The Return of the ... Camper?

Yes, I'm back! In one piece! Hallelujah!

Got back from my D of E expedition on Saturday evening, but I'm afraid I've not had much time to come round and post here. It's the last week of term - we have our Prizegiving and final Abbey service on Friday - and everything is mental. In order to keep us all amused after the end of our exams, the school's been putting on activities; high wire course and a self-defence thingy on Monday, a couple of lectures on universities and adventurous holiday expeditions yesterday, and a talk about an African adventure trip today, as well as a session with older students about the sixth form courses and stuff, which was actually really useful.

But that's not what you want to know about is it? You don't want to know about me being all curled up and cosy  in house, nursing my bruises and snuggling under my duvet. You want to know all about my D of E adventures don't you?

Of course you do ;)

Anyway, overall, it was actually really good fun. We got a bit lost on Day One, 'cause of all the little animal tracks in the woods and the criss-crossing paths that weren't there when the map was published. I, in my wisdom, thought I'd found a "path" (NOT!) that lead up the hillside. What ensued went something along the lines of: face branch head face mud leg strap caught trip crash branch branch tree leaf branch scratch trip boot AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

And even when we got to the top of the hill, I tried to climb over the gate and fell off. Oh so graceful as ever.

Day Two was better - going across the top of the moors, sans one group member who dropped out due to sickness. We made good progress, and I wrote lots of poetry for our group project. The previous campsite was a bit less fun - midgie infestations anyone? - and we had to engage in this sort of James-Bond-style roll to get into the tent without letting the little blighters in with us. However, the campsite we got to that day was lovely - there was even a little shelter place for us to sit and eat and leave our bags out of the wet. The others played card games, and I read them my poetry and we all had a good laugh.

Day Three was nothing short of agony. We were following a river through a valley, which inevitably meant the path went up and down and left and  up and right and roundabout and up and up and up and up ... you get the picture. Now, on a good day, I don't think it would have killed me all that much - I'm a strong walker, and gods know I've tackled enough hills in my time. But that day, after three freezing nights in the rain and wet, covered in bruises and limping like am amputee, it was really really hard work. 

However, despite the intense agony that has plagued my left leg ever since, it was really really good fun. We were laughing and singing and telling jokes the whole way, and there were lots of incredible views and hilarious people to meet, and even when we got lost we always found our way back. We ended up taking a wrong track on Day Three, resulting in a funny sort of short cut, which gave us an hour's rest at our next stop. We fell asleep on the windy coastline, watching the waves boiling about between us and the Welsh coast. *sniffles* My lovely homeland...

Anyway, I shall leave you with one of the poems I wrote on the way, atop Dunkery Beacon, the highest point on Exmoor, after the jungle-esque escapade and gate-falling-off that had taken place a couple of hours earlier. I personally think it's a perfect summary of the experience:

The View at Lunch Break

Rising goosebumps on

Arms, muddy

Gremlin paw marks.

Artistically placed leaves

With the occasional twig

For authenticity.

Blue boot gone brown.

Raw red rubbings 

Of racehorse red

And oceanic blue bruises.

Sore feet.

Sore cheeks.

Still grinning.

Mary-Sues

I hate Mary-Sues. No, I don't hate them. I despise them with every outraged fibre of my incandescently furious being!

Everybody know what a Mary-Sue is? I suspect most writerly types (or just about anyone who reads, be it fanfiction or published books) will know what they are, but here's a little definition for anyone I've lost. They're characters (both original and, in fanfiction, already present in the story) who are, for want of a better word, perfect. They're gorgeous, they have exotic names, tattoos and birthmarks, they have earth-shatteringly awesome powers, everything they wear oozes sex appeal and they are so insanely wonderful that anyone who's met them for more than two or three seconds would give their life for them at the drop of a hat. And they always, always, get together with a mouth-wateringly gorgeous love interest at some stage.

Oh, but the author knows they can't risk creating a perfect  character, so they quirk things up with a heart-wrenching (*bleck*) backstory. Rape, abuse, kidnap, the death of family, friends, mentors and loved ones, unbreakable curses, amnesia and tortured thoughts of atrocities they're sure they're responsible for.

And angst. Immeasurable eternities of angst.

All this tragedy is supposed to make us sympathise with the character, while their awesomeness is there to encourage us to look up to and like them. However, it has the opposite effect. The character is not the independent, spirited, kick-ass heroine we want, but a weepy-waily little floozie who hurls herself at the nearest male and spends most of her time collapsed and sobbing in his arms from stress and exhaustion. Gary-Stues {male Mary-Sues - less common, but just as toxic} are just as bad - their overpowered hunkiness sweeps through opposition like a hot knife through butter, reducing formerly self-reliant women to fawning doe-eyed concubines that line up to get a dose of his godliness. That is, if he's not in the middle of a rage-fit or breakdown.

But that's not the thing that irks me most about Sues. Cool powers, funky tattoos and wonderful physiques are not a bad thing in a character - in fact, I find bland characters to be almost as bad as over-wrought Sues - but they don't make good stories. In original fiction, the plots can be so contrite and ridden with cliches, that it's not much of a plot at all, just a series of exploits during which our Sue can both show off their awesomeness and have huge angst sessions. It's very hard to worry for a character if you know they can just snap their fingers and blast the foe into a thousand tiny bits.

Also, in fanfiction especially, the presence of Sues tends to do horrible things to the canon. It's bad enough in their own world, but at least there the other characters are little better than cardboard cutouts are are unlikely to know any better. But in fanfiction, the wonderful, colourful people we know, love and root for, are subjected to the worst sort of torture. Their personalities are stripped away, leaving blank puppets that are utterly defenceless before the sparkly evil of the Almighty Mary-Sue. Harry is helpless without them, Kirk's eyes pop out of his sockets as his years of hard-won skills are surpassed in seconds, and Aragorn and Legolas are lowered to the level of squabbling over who loves them more. The reader is left horror-struck as their beloved story crumbles to piles of fluffy crap, punctuated here and there with a badly written sex scene or another display of the Sue's deity-status abilities. The story we love is gone, and we are instead left blundering through this awful, predictable ordeal whereby every one of the story's key events is squooshed beneath a mountain of glittery crap.

Oh Boromir, I am so sorry you had to come back from the death to endure an eternity thanking the Sue for saving your wretched arse while they stomp all over your city and watch as your people gaze up at her in puppy-dog adoration. So, so sorry.

And the worst part? It's all so easily avoidable.As if Sues themselves don't stick out like neon-painted toxic sludge monsters, there are a bajillion-and-three "litmus tests" out there that can help you spot Mary-Sues and warn you about their draining effect on a story. Here's the one I use, and I cannot possibly tell how useful it has been in helping me rescue one of my characters from Gary-Stu-ness, and placing a protective barrier between the rest of his story and a truly toxic fate:

The Universal Mary-Sue Litmus Test - Springhole.net

However, there is one thing that Sue-fics are good for. Sporking. These guys are the best of the bunch at turning an odyssey of agony into a non-stop LOL-fest: "Deleterius" Community - LiveJournal

Warning: bring tissues. You'll laugh until your brain dribbles out of your nose.

In the meantime, may the Supreme Spork keep you and your stories all safe from the dreaded Suethor.

~ Charley R