I have always liked
White space.
There is a certain sweetness
To silence.
In the spaces between angry black and white,
In little gaps where rules
And laws
And sharp, straight lines
Do not reach.
A gnawed reality,
Haunt of eccentrics,
And ambiguities of anti-matter.
I dance my words on skies of ice
And watch the etches fade
To gold, to grey,
To every day.
And sing its silent song,
And melancholia smiles
And sighs
And
And
And
Oblivion
Lights up
Another cigarette
And
And
And
Oblivion
Lights up
Another cigarette
I have always liked
White space.
Bad Oblivion.. put that cigarette out now. it's not good for you *giggles*
ReplyDeletesorry...
nice poem though. I loved it.
:} Cathryn
Thanks! I'm still not quite happy with it, but every time I try to fix it I like it less, so here it is in all its imperfection, lol!
DeleteLovely, my dear. Personally I wouldn't capitalise 'white' on 'white space' as it looks kin of funny - it would seem more flowing and less disjointed if it just carried on like a sentence. Then again, I have an aversion to capital letters in poems and rarely use them. Personally, also, I would take away the 'the' before ambiguities so that the line has a rhythm that fits more with the rest.
ReplyDeleteOne other stylistic thing (since you said you're not happy with it, I'm helping) - some of it seems really weirdly poetic and highbrow, so did you consider taking out the contractions and having "do not reach" and "I have always liked"? It occurred to me that could work better with the feel of it.
Thanks for the tips! I shall do a bit of reworking now I think - I tried when I wrote it, but everything I tried just made it worse, lol.
DeleteAs for the capital letters, I'm afraid my inner Grammar Nazi reqiures those to stay. I'm the opposite to you on that front - I like my capitals, though the rest of the grammar can go to heck a lot of the time, haha!