Saturday, 15 September 2012

Words of Wisdom, Courtesy of Charley's Characters

In most books, characters will usually say at least one thing that will linger in a reader's mind. Think Gandalf, Dumbledore, Aslan . . . you get the vibe. Even younger, less experienced characters will sometimes say things that will bury themselves into your heart and mind. Something sweet. Something innapropriately hilarious. Something tragic. Something that speaks to your soul.

. . . And then there's my characters.

I intended this to be a post about inspiring things that characters can say, and I was going to mix up my own characters' inspiring quotes with those of published authors and challenge you all to find out which ones were mine, possibly following up with an "if I can hide my own amateur creations amidst those of great writers, it's proof of the power of words and emotion and humanity and blah blah blah."

But did I find any? Oh no.

Whether it was a short story or a novel, over seven years old or something I wrote last year, part of an ancient collaborative or a difficult solo project, it seems that the denizens of my head seem to be operating on some celestial plane of thought above that of everyday humans that renders them incapable of saying anything remotely philosophical.

That, or they've been drinking some really strange coffee.


"Who on earth is that man?"
"I don't know . . . but he reminds me of a particularly unpleasant biscuit."

"Would that clash with my dragon-slaying appointment?"


"I would compare myself to chopped liver . . . but I'm pretty sure even the gizzards get more say about what sort of stew they're thrown in than I do!"

"I feel like I just gave birth . . . through my nose."

"Do you reckon there's a world record out there for the longest distance travelled inside a giant fridge?"

"That's my name! Long and short for just the same, unless you speak Klingon, in which case you're probably very strange and I would quite like you to leave right now."

"Jumping out of windows is far more therapeutic than you'd expect, you know."

"That's some dream you had, my friend."
"I'll say - the most prophetic dream I can remember is the one where the talking goat was lecturing me about the morality of aeroplane fuselages."

"What is going on in here? Who are you? What do you want? . . . And what have you done to my teapot!"

"Am I the only one who can see the words I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT TO STAB YOU written on her face? Because whoever did that deserves a golden Sharpie pen for their bravery. And possibly enrolment in a mental institute."

"Excellent. Now, if you would be so good as to remove me from this contraption before it dissolves my elbow, I would be eternally grateful."

"Well then, I guess that makes me the king of the jam fairies."

"I never expected eight-foot-tall, furry-eared, rabbit-shredding people to have such interesting tatse in furniture."

"Is it dead? Well, we shot it full of bullets, stabbed it through the heart, cut its head off, and reversed over it with a pickup truck . . . I think we'd better burn it, just to make sure."

"What's that?"
"It's breakfast."
"What sort of breakfast?"
"The dead kind."


Few of these quotes make any more logical sense in context than they do out of it.

Confused? So am I.

~ Charley R


  1. Haha. You're sense of humour is just so... humorous. Anyway. I'm laughing (who needs those inspiring quotes?! I love the funny ones!) :)

    1. I just don't know where half of these came from . . . that's the worrying part.

      Glad you enjoyed, nevertheless :)

  2. I loved that one where they asked if it was dead, listed all the ways that they had inflicted mass amounts of pain to it, and decided that they ought to burn it as well, just to make sure it doesn't rise from the dead. [: It was hilarious. Quotes from random assorted books often are a good way to pass the time, as opposed to seeing how many peas you can shove up your nose in a minute.

    1. Hehehe, that one was from an RP - the character speaking belonged to me. He was an ex-sniper, PSTD-suffering, emotionally-strained, dementedly hyperactive bounty hunter. His name was Silas, and I still don't understand how on earth he survived beyond the first page of the RP.

      Ahahahaha, must admit I've never tried the latter of those options. I dearly hope you haven't either xD

    2. Oh boy...those are quite the descriptions! I do know someone named Silas, but alas, he has none of those traits. xD.

      Not to worry, I've never attempted pea-shoving up one's nose. I've never had a reason to. It's never come up in a conversation before either.

      "Hey, I'm bored. What should we do?"
      "Let's shove peas up our noses and see who gets the most and becomes the pea-shoving champion!"
      " thanks. I think I'm going to be sick..."

    3. Hehehe, I don't know why I called him that, but it stuck. Mostly the other characters called him anything but his name. My personal favourite nickname was "Trigger", because I used to think "Trigger Happy" to myself, when he was being dementedly hyperactive xD

      That's such a good quote it ought to join the others in my post xD

    4. Ha, that's great. Nicknames are such fun in books.

      Wow, I'd be honored to have the pea-shoving quote join your other ones! xD.

    5. LOL, they are indeed.

      Haha, I shall add it to the off-site list of Awesome Unintentional Quotes that I'm putting together :)

    6. Alrighty. I'm sure that list will have a lot of crazy little quotes.

  3. Yesss! Brilliant!! And funny. And had me laughing straight away. My favourites were definitely the teapot one and the jam fairies. If I could write half as funnily (is that a word? I think so, it just sounds wrong) as that, I would die happy. Or live happy. Whichever came first. ;)

    1. Haha, thank you! I've forgotten exactly where both of the came from - the jam fairies is definitely from this year's NaNo, but I've forgotten who said it, and the teapot . . . not the faintest xD

      I'm very glad it made you smile - good to know it's funny, and not just bizarre!

  4. I love those... Absolutely love them. Especially the window one and the prophetic goat. That one about the dissolving elbow, however-- that would make more sense in context, I know. It sounds like something Athos would say, or Halt. Eternally calm and polite. Well... that doesn't sound like Halt. But no matter.

    1. LOL, it does sound rather Athos-esque . . . especially if he were just a wee bit drunk. Because a drunken Athos is a far more amusing Athos than a sober one.

      I'm glad you liked them. As for the elbow one, yes, it does make much more sense in context - the characters had broken into a scientific facility in search of some contraband drugs or somesuch, and one of them pushed a button that she shouldn't have touched . . . you can see how it ended xD

  5. "I never expected eight-foot-tall, furry-eared, rabbit-shredding people to have such interesting tatse in furniture."

    - that was totally said to a Hykal... Now I want to know about the furniture. *giggles*

    Now I also have this urge to go through my stuff andsee if I can find anything interesting. Though I could probably pull out anything Stowie says, and just post that. Silly sarcastic Feline (who must feel that's a complement because he's purring in here... or maybe because I"m scratching in just the right place behindhis ears... figuratively of course.) *grins*

    We authors is crazy :}

    1. Eyyyup. NaNo produced some really weird lines on me, but that has to be one of the best xD

      Myst-hakel. Gotta love 'em xD

      Stowie's lines would be totally awesome - and snark-tastic. Then again, Sarah says some pretty funny things. Morgan's better on the inspiring front, but I'm sure someone in that collab spouts bad attempts at comedy every now and again.

      Iss. Iss we is *grins*

  6. As you'll know from my failed August Camp NaNo attempt... this is still what my novels look like. And I leave them in. Ehehe :D

    My characters are occasionally philosophical. Mel's quite good at motivational, encouraging speeches, mainly because she's so screwed up that she's heard a lot of them herself so can pass them on. In Watching, that is. In other things I write, they're all batty and couldn't care less.


    1. Hehehe, I wish my characters had Mel's philosophical capacity . . . that might confirm to me that they weren't all sniffing something really weird all the time . . .