Sunday, 26 February 2012

Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid...

Everybody has fears, right? Even if you're six foot nine, hugely muscles and have a black belt in six different types of martial arts, there's always going to be something that scares the absolute heebies out of you. Some of these are logical fears, like cliff edges, strange noises in creepy old houses and killer tigers with chainsaws for teeth that burp up hand grenades.

But, let's face it, some fears are just downright stupid. And I don't mean stupid as in they're particularly wimpy - for example, I know one person who has an absolute aversion to swimming lessons because it messes up her hair and makes her nails go soft. I have lost count of the amount of times I have wanted to slap her for her sissiness, but even that cannot attain the heights of some of the utterly ridiculous things that people are afraid of.

And now, to prove I'm not a prating, bomb-proof Sergeant Major about to rant about how the world is full of pansies who should be deported to a Siberian bootcamp for the rest of their lives, I'm going to tell you my top ten silliest fears.

10 - The Dark
The cliche! It buuuuurns! But it's very very true - well, to a certain extent. While I no longer have the crippling fear of darkness that plagued me in my youth (up until the age of thirteen I still needed a light on at night because I was terrified of it), dark places do make me very very nervous. The worst part is I'm not even afraid of it being full of logically dangerous things, like rapists, axe murderers and inconvenient lego bricks. No, I'm more worried about dementor infestations and the possibility of being attacked by that terrifying dog thing from The Neverending Story.

9 - Jelly
What sort of demented survival instinct would you have if you looked at a wobbly gelatenous mass the colour of radioactive waste and thought "ooh, that looks delicious!" Seriously, the stuff looks like it could dissolve your insides! That is, if it's not full of alien larvae ready to breed in your appendix and, upon reaching maturity, take over your brain and use you for a living host until you outrun your usefulness and are broken down into more of that insidiously stinky substance to trap their next dim-witted victim.

8 - Hangnails
Don't ask, I just have issues with the things. Whenever I get one, I go straight for my nail clippers to take the thing off - I just can't stand them. Though, I like to think I have some justification for this - I'm rather prone to them, and when I just leave them hanging they have a horrible habit of getting caught and tearing very painfully up my finger and putting blood all over the place. The same goes for skin tags of any sort, really.

7 - Tweens In Makeup
There is someting horribly disturbing in watching a twelve year old girl totter down the street in a mini-skirt and midriff top slathered in a palette of makeup that makes her look like an escapee from the Barbie factory. It makes me just as angry as it does freak me out - one one level, I'm disgusted at the message society must be giving if girls that young feel they have to do this to be accepted in life, and on another I just want to storm up to them and go "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE? GO AND PUT SOME CLOTHES ON YOU LITTLE FOOL!" 
And yes, the Caps Lock is meant to illustrate the volume of my anger. Fear it. Rawr.

6 - Noisy Kids' Toys
Many is the embarrassing time I have been walking down the aisle in Toys 'R' Us, looking for a gift for some small wailing spawn of a family friend or distant relative when, in the middle of deep inner discussion over whether the little darling would prefer a Transformer or a plush toy of Mickey Mouse, my world has been shattered by an inhuman scree-boop-wail that sends me ten feet into the air with a screech that has no right to be within the range of human hearing. It's as if the cursed things lie in wait for me and then loose their battle cries when I least expect it to see which of them can get my heart to explode first.
Not surprisingly, I now look like some sort of wanted criminal or paranoid psychotic when venturing into these aisles nowadays.

Furbies, I feel, should also get a special mention in this category. Ever since I woke late in the night to hear a faint "feeeeeeed meeeeeee" coming from my cupboard (which was terrifying enough), and then plucking up the courage to open said cupboard to discover one of the little furry horrors in the back, I have hated them with a special vengeance that I normally reserve for school exams and lumpy custard. The fact that I had tried to dispose of the monster in Australia, and then discovered it had somehow followed me across the world did not help either. If it is still here after the next move, I am going to kill it with fire. With fire I tell you!

5 - Onesies
Why anyone would want to wear something that looks like an oversized babygro is utterly beyond me - especially given their sheer impracticality in day to day life. Like many of my age group, I am adept at flinging of my pyjamas, dressing and eating breakfast in under ten minutes if the need arises, but trying to do that in one of those ridiculous affairs would probably see me flat on my face nursing a broken nose with my limbs trussed up like a Christmas turkey. 
And that's without mentioning some of the truly infantile designs they come in. I gave up being an infant sixteen years ago, and I have yet to suffer any particularly scarring incident that would make me want to regress to crying all night and sicking up my breakfast over my mother's chest.

4 - Damp Wetsuits
Continuing with the theme of demonic clothing, I find there is nothing more un-nerving than the feeling of a cold, slimy and incredibly close-fitting piece of rubber being pulled over your naked limbs. Especially when you know the only cleaning said piece of rubber has had is a dunking in a vat of equally cold and salty sea water before being flung in your face by an overzealous surfer (who, might I add, is usually wearing his own, and is suspiciously dry and clean looking). Add this to my own personal paranoia regarding things touching my neck, and you have a recipe for disaster.

3 - Seaweed
I know for a fact I am not alone in being one of those people who, when feeling something suspicious brush against their leg at the beach, will immediately launch into something that looks like an obscure tribal dance, complete with ullulating wail of horror. And if you think that's bad, imagine what I do when it not only touches me, but wraps itself around my leg and will not come off. The results, as I'm sure my family can tell you, are really rather terrifying...

2 - People Touching my Feet
The fact that I'm exceedingly ticklish only adds to this. Seriously, as an advanced warning to anyone who has yet to meet me, or has met me and does not know me particularly well, here is a key piece of advice: 
If you touch my feet, I am not responsible for any horribly crippling injuries I may cause you as a result. There will be neither compensation, apologies, or presence at your funeral in a worst case scenario. You have been warned.

And finally,

1 - This

No matter how many times I see this image, or how many times I berate myself on the idiocy of being afraid of a picture and a caption of all things, it still gives me a serious case of the heebie jeebies. In the highest sense of the word.

And what about you, dear readers? Got any particularly silly fears of your own? Reckon any of them can outdo mine? Leave me a comment, and let's find out!

- Charley R


  1. How can you be scared of that last one? It's CUTE! (Okay and kind of creepy, but still cute.)

    Also, I wasn't scared of the dark until I watched 'Silence In The Library' and I'm now convinced the Vashta Nerada are after me -
    "It's not the dark. It's what's in the dark. It's what's always in the dark..."

    As for logically scary things in the dark, well... as you know, I walk home from ballet in the dark, and I have a pointe shoe in my pocket as a weapon. My friend KM has not read 'Rite' yet, but I've been discussing it with her in great detail and she knows everything that happens and stuff. And she now walks home from ballet with a pointe shoe in her hand as a weapon going, "Ahhhhhhh!" every time she sees someone. She turned a corner and there was a man with a van - apparently, with a squeak that sounded suspiciously like "Primitivists!" she ran almost all the way home after that.

    And she hasn't even read it yet.


    1. Cute? IT SCARES THE FLYING FRISBIES OUT OF ME! I have no idea why ... I think it's the glint of potential murder in the eyes, and those suspiciously sharp talons, but there's something else ... I dunno, it's just scary!

      Ahaha, the Vahta Nerada - they didn't scare me as muc has I thought they would. I imagined them as those goggle-eyed goldfish to keep myself calm and couldn't stop laughing after that :P

      Lawls indeed - your poor friend xD

  2. Owls are cute. But the crazy eyes? Not so much. And bird talons? They are no laughing matter. Trust me. ;)

    1. *shudders* I know. Scary scary things they are! And a new face! Welcome to the blog! :)

  3. 10 - Why did i click that link???! D:

    6 - "Cause if you feed me, Seymour, I can grow up big and strong" :P

    3 - THIS I can definitely relate to. The amount of times I've made an idiot of myself, because of seaweed.

    2 - You and my mum have this in common. After she came out of hospital, she couldn't bend down very well. So a lot of the time i had to put her socks on for her XD it was kind of hilarious and scary all at the same time...


    My silliest fear? Talking on the phone (no, seriously) Even if it's just ringing up for a taxi, or calling ex-directory or something. Nope. No way in Hell. Not doing it.

    The voicemail message on my mobile is genuinely "Leave a message, but don't expect a call back. Kirsty doesn't do calls. BEEEEEPP"

    Emails, Texts, Snail Mail. No phone calls.
    Man, I sound so sociable...

    1. I hate calling someone I don't know as well. I'd rather order pizza over the internet or in person that call someone on the phone. I so know how you feel.

      Actually even people I know don't often get calls, because I never want to disturb them and I never know when a good time to call is... :}

    2. Me too guys! I have to plot out what I say in my head before I'll call anyone because I get so nervous and flutered talking to strangers. I even tend to text my friends asking if they want to call, or me to call them, because I'm worried I'll call them at some really inconvenient time.

      We three can all be weird together xD

    3. You are now my peeps. Word. (I can't pull that off, can I?)
      Oh well. Weird people that don't like calling people, rejoice. Call me when the next meeting is... oh wait...

      PSSSTT, Charley. You may want to change "six food nine" ;)

    4. Whoops - I'll fix that now - thanks! :D

  4. Number 10, 6 and 3 are all ones I completely agree with. I think we've already discussed the dark issue once, and it's pretty much the same. I still run up the basement stairs at night feeling like something following. I do have a deal with the monsters under the bed. The do not try to sneak their hands under the covers. that's a breach of our deal, but they can still chase me into the covers if they desire. :} (Yes, I am well aware this sounds crazy, and I've never told my husband because, well he'd laugh.)

    As to my top fear that sends my heart into a panic attack - Being abandon.
    - This is what I have nightmares about, and though I know that it's a product of my parents divorce, I can't shake it. The worst nightmares are when I'm at a friends house and my mom comes by and then leaves... without me. *shudders and cry* - I even have a fear of abandoning my kids. When my daughter was little I used to double check the back seat after dropping her off at Day care when I worked from home, afraid I'd come out to find her screaming in the car (or worse) when I went to go pick her up...

    So there you have it... my weakness on my sleeve.

    (Oh and I have a weird fear of heights normally limited to my dreams and generally because I'm on a balcony that doesn't seem to be supported in any way shape or from.)

    :} Cathryn / Elorithryn

    1. Ah, abandonment - a logical enough fear given your background. I certainly wouldn't call it a silly one! I haven't got quite that problem, but I have serious issues with the feeling of letting people down and disappointing them. Hence why I'm afraid of overcommiting. That, and I can't stand being in the same room as someone being told off - I always feel like it's me that's done something wrong, or could have done something, to make up for it, even if I logically and physically could not .... it's weird. We all have our little ticks, don't we?

  5. I want to leave an insightful comment, but I'm laughing too hard. *snort*

    I'm horrifically afraid of deep water, sea monsters, and letting people down.

  6. This. Post. Is. GENIUS!

    I literally laughed out loud. I can't tell you how awesome this post is! And the idea of dementor infestations made me smile. (Potterhead alert!) I'm trying to get over my fear of the dark...when I'm inside it usually doesn't bother me, but I still get squeamish outside at night. Mostly because of the irrational fear of those rapists and axe murderers (and random, possibly rabid wild animals) hiding in the trees around my backyard. Really must get over this fear...

    Also, I know what you mean about tweens in makeup. I actually just completed a project where I put together a compilation video of photos of girls and women without makeup on - for the very reason that I disagree with society's message that makeup is a necessary component of beauty. Check it out here!

    Oh, and the story of noisy kids' toys was priceless! xD I especially hate when you're in a toy aisle and you press that button to "try it out" and then it shouts and you're like, no no no you're being too loud SHUT UP YOU'RE ATTRACTING ATTENTION!! and then you walk away quickly and pretend you didn't press the terribly annoying toy. ;)

    Also, I try not to flip out about it, but I too sometimes get a little freaked out when seaweed wraps around my leg without warning. It's like, EEK!! JELLYFISH!! until you realize that there was actually no sting. xD

    Wow, this was an epic post. xD LOVED IT!

    1. Yay! I'm really really glad you enjoyed it.

      Ohmygosh, I'm TERRIFIED of jellyfish! And octopus ... and anything with tentacles. Literally scare the hell out of me.

      Fantastic video - I'm a wholehearted supporter of no-makeup beauty ... though I'm hideous both ways, bahaha! xP

    2. I wear no makeup for most of the time. I'll put on a little for special events, but always a natrual look... Except Haloween, but then again it's a costume, not me. :}

    3. I wear it for special occasions too - mainly because my skin reacts quite badly to makeup a lot of the time (I'm quite sensitive) and it's just too much hassle putting up with the pain of getting it on, looking nice, then taking it off again at the end of the day. So I save it for occasions where I can be bothered to make the effort, lol!

    4. Haha, I doubt you're hideous, Charley. ;) Glad you support no-makeup beauty, though, so do I! And I can totally relate to having sensitive skin. I actually have psoriasis spots all over my torso, and for years my hands had such bad eczema they resembled claws. They drew a lot of questions, haha, and when I wear a bikini I sometimes have to reassure people that my psoriasis isn't was pretty extreme! Thankfully, though, my mom and I have figured out most of the problem - my hands have pretty much cleared up, and when I get enough Vitamin D from the sun in the summer most of my spots go away. :) I've always had sensitive skin, though; it's such a pain!

      Also, Cathryn, I think it's fantastic that you don't wear much makeup! I always like to hear that people are comfortable with their natural appearance. :) There are several reasons I don't wear it; being comfortable with my natural appearance is one, and another is, like Charley said, that it's too much of a hassle. Ugh. No thanks!

    5. Hehe, oh you'd be surprised - teenage spots are not kind to a face as pale and sun-intolerant as mine. All of me is pretty sun-intolerant really. I spend most of the summer cowering in the shade wishing the heat and sunshine would go away because it makes me hot, burnt and miserable. I don't tan. At all. Ever.

      And no, I'm not related to Dracula. I just like my meat rare, honest! ;)

      Bah, beauty is so subjective. Personality is lots nicer to work with, I think we all agree :)

  7. Ugh, that's no fun. :( I'm at least glad the sun helps my skin, and I'm looking forward to when I can sunbathe again this summer!

    However, I agree; beauty is very subjective. As they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder! Personality is much more important. And when someone has a pleasant personality, they almost inevitably become more attractive in your eyes! Roald Dahl said it best:

    A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.

    Sorry, I'm obviously full of quotes tonight. ;)

    1. Roald Dahl always says everything best - I love that man.

      Hehehe, occasionally I wish I was more sun-friendly, but overall I'm pretty happy with the way I am. Life is easier if you don't obsess over beauty too much :)

    2. Absolutely. Roald Dahl was pretty darn smart while also being hilarious - a very good combination!

      And yeah, life is much easier if you can accept yourself and not worry about conforming to society's definition of beauty. Obsessing over beauty is a pretty easy way to overwhelm yourself with unhappiness!

    3. Could not have said either point better myself :)