Thank God It's Over! - Charley R's Guide to Endings

And they all lived happily ever after.

The End.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels an overwhelming urge to impale themself on a stick when I read those lines? As if the fact that the line itself is so horribly cliché - so much that, nowadays, only Disney can get away with it without being ripped to shreds - the worst part is that it commits the one mistake that really gets my goat when it comes to endings.

No matter of the events, the target age or the genre of your story, it is impossible.

Even if it is only because some unfortunate pixie got stood on by the heroine's clumsy-but-well-meaning fluffy pink unicorn while she was riding through the Meadows of Joy searching for the queen's lost Sparkly Tiara of Rainbows, a truly all-encompassing "happily ever after" is truly an unaccomplishable feat. Not in the least because there's usually some form of baddie who requires squishing along the way.

Besides, there's an even worse reason why this ending deserves to slip in the shower, bash its teeth on the handrail and have to spend the next ten hours having bits of plastic and pointy metal stuck in its mouth to fix it.

It's B.O.R.I.N.G. In capitals.

The ending of a book is absolutely crucial, to both author and reader. It's the last the reader sees of the world, their last chance to know what becomes of the beloved (or utterly despised) characters they have met and accompanied. You've got to make it memorable - especially if you're planning to bring the readers back to your work again, irregardless of a sequel!

Now then, please squash your wriggling Disneyfied endings under the sofa as we utilise the delights of the culinary world to browse through the qualities and possibilities of an ending that will have your readers screaming for more ... and, in some cases, for your head on a stick.

***

1 - In Which the Ending is Like a Chocolate Cake.
Speaking from personal experience, I feel there are few things in the world that can be declared more satisfying than finishing off a delicious piece of mouth-watering chocolate cake. You lounge back in your chair, nursing a happily gurgling tummy and licking the last scraps of deliciousness from your mouth. True, you nearly choked on that Smartie a couple of minutes ago, and the jammy icing took a little getting used to, but, all in all, you are a happy bunny.

The Chocolate Cake Ending is popular, and rightly so. While bad things may have happened in the book, and everything may not have worked out spectacularly for everyone involved, the end result for the reader is a warm, happy feeling that everything is as it should be. The prince is back on the throne, the mystery's solved, the killer's back in jail and the poor neglected rape victim is curled up on the sofa with her cat and loving new boyfriend.

The reader likes this ending because it's a message of hope, and because the characters they love have an ending that the reader thinks they deserve. Avoid overmuch sugar, though. The dreaded "Happily Ever After" bacteria have been known to infect cake with more than a healthy tablespoon of serendipity.


2 - In Which the Ending is Like an Over-Spicy Curry
Asfdfgjjkg!!! What on earth just happened? What was that? Where's it gone? Why is there a purple iguana eating my petunias?

Curry is deadly stuff. While its tingly, tangy spice is enticing and delicious and wonderful, the after effects of sudden dizziness, loss of direction and the urge to drink half of the Pacific Ocean to sate the burning in your throat are dangers you sometimes might not be willing to brave.

The Spicy Curry Ending is brilliant in the right hands. Cliffhangers, mind-bending twists in the plot, eye-popping revelations at the last moment - chuck it all in and stir in the hot sauce! Readers love to be surprised and entertained, and there's nowhere better to distress them in this manner than at the moment when they thought it was safe to get back in the water. Though you may give the reader a small heart attack, they will remember this ending and, hopefully, that strange sense in humans that being put through masses of pleasurable pain is a brilliant idea will tell them to run off and buy another of your books this moment! This is an excellent strategy particularly if you want to lure them into sequels.

Warning: application of hot sauce is not adviseable if your book is more honeyed pancake than school dinner rice. Being astonishingly clever and being absurdly contrived are worryingly close together, and the line has been somewhat rubbed by all those people running to the kitchen for an aspirin. Use with caution.


3- In Which the Ending is Like a Raisin-Filled Cookie
There is no greater treachery in the world than that of the crazed sadist who decided it would be fun to put raisins in cookies. There you are, expecting your delicious mouthful of chocolate-and-dough based goodness, your mouth waters, your eyes mist at the prospect, you sink your teeth in, waiting, waiting for the moment ... and you weep at your betrayal.

Raisin Cookie Endings are the reason why I have trust issues. The reader clings on tenaciously through the story; screaming at the characters, willing them on, cursing the cruel twists of fate, whooping ecstatically at each small victory. And then, just when you being to hope it will all be okay ... your hopes are crushed like an imploding Super Nova.

There is no better way to make a reader cry than with a Raisin Cookie Ending. Breaking the hearts of readers is no easy feat, no matter how easily they cry, with a book. You've got to draw them in, link them with back-straining detail to the world, make them care, make them get involved ... and then you have to find a way of destroying them so utterly that they won't have the strength to strangle you. It's hard work, and it can all go horribly wrong if done incorrectly (am I the only one who laughs hysterically when someone/thing I don't care about dies painfully?), but when you get it right ...

My inner villain loves this ending. My outer one adores it.


4 - In Which the Ending is Like Your Granny's Cooking
You honestly didn't believe it was food, at first. You poked it, you sniffed it, you shunted it around the plate a bit. You wondered if dotty old Granny B had got your dinner mixed up with that of her twenty-six ginger toms. You certainly didn't think it was edible.

But, to your (and the cats') astonishment ... it was. You'd never believe it if you went back in time and told yourself ten minutes previously that you would enjoy it, but you honestly did. "Don't judge a book by its cover" takes on a whole new meaning. You may not like it to start with, but after a few mouthfuls and some careful consideration - which probably doesn't involve wondering what the ingredients are, for your sanity's sake - you've decided you like it.

Granny's Cooking Endings are weird. From the outset they seem mediocre, or maybe even a bit off. Why on earth did the world-saving detective refuse to take her pay and go and live in a remote African village immunising babies against malaria? Especially as she's terrified of plane flights. But, upon more careful consideration, you see that she has made this decision because, after that last mission, she's decided that she was detecting for all the wrong reasons and would much rather spend her time doing what she believed she was trying to do - helping people. True, she leaves her fiancee, her family, her job, everything she's loved, but it's what she needs to do. And, in the end, you're happy for her.

Don't add too much theological or moral lesson-up-nose-shoving in here, though. You want to make a point, not choke someone with it.


5 - In Which the Ending Tastes of Custard
That's right, it tastes of custard. You don't know why it tastes of custard, you see no reason for it to taste of custard, and nor does anyone else. You don't even like custard.

But, whatever the reason, it's absolutely hysterical. You don't know what you're laughing at, or even why you're laughing in particular, but the Custard Ending will have you out of breath, clapping like a drugged-up seal at a Queen concert while your diaphram explodes into a thousand tiny pieces in your chest. And you'll be laughing so hard you won't feel the operation to clean up the aftermath either.

There are mulitple ingredients you can add to your ending to trigger a Custard Reponse. A deliciously ironic statement, a wriggle-inducing come-uppance, a bizarrely serendipitious happening, or (my favourite) a clincher to a book-long running joke. Terry Pratchett is the Charley-proclaimed Master of Custard Endings, though Douglas Adams, Alexandre Dumas and Jasper Fforde aren't far behind! Look them up if you want any tips on your Custard Recipe.

As a warning, this ending isn't to everyone's taste. Auntie Beryl was never one for custard, you know, and your story may wear it like a purple and orange tea cosy on its head unless the Ending has a jolly good reason to be there.

Also, watch out for custard allergies. Those can get awkward too.

***

Have I missed anything? Let me know in the comments what you think of my endings, dear readers, and feel free to add recipies of your own to the mix! The fatter the cookbook the better, after all!

Addition of alcohol to aforementioned dishes is done at the cook's discretion ;)

- Charley R

Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid...

Everybody has fears, right? Even if you're six foot nine, hugely muscles and have a black belt in six different types of martial arts, there's always going to be something that scares the absolute heebies out of you. Some of these are logical fears, like cliff edges, strange noises in creepy old houses and killer tigers with chainsaws for teeth that burp up hand grenades.

But, let's face it, some fears are just downright stupid. And I don't mean stupid as in they're particularly wimpy - for example, I know one person who has an absolute aversion to swimming lessons because it messes up her hair and makes her nails go soft. I have lost count of the amount of times I have wanted to slap her for her sissiness, but even that cannot attain the heights of some of the utterly ridiculous things that people are afraid of.

And now, to prove I'm not a prating, bomb-proof Sergeant Major about to rant about how the world is full of pansies who should be deported to a Siberian bootcamp for the rest of their lives, I'm going to tell you my top ten silliest fears.

10 - The Dark

The cliche! It buuuuurns! But it's very very true - well, to a certain extent. While I no longer have the crippling fear of darkness that plagued me in my youth (up until the age of thirteen I still needed a light on at night because I was terrified of it), dark places do make me very very nervous. The worst part is I'm not even afraid of it being full of logically dangerous things, like rapists, axe murderers and inconvenient lego bricks. No, I'm more worried about dementor infestations and the possibility of being attacked by that terrifying dog thing from The Neverending Story.

9 - Jelly

What sort of demented survival instinct would you have if you looked at a wobbly gelatenous mass the colour of radioactive waste and thought "ooh, that looks delicious!" Seriously, the stuff looks like it could dissolve your insides! That is, if it's not full of alien larvae ready to breed in your appendix and, upon reaching maturity, take over your brain and use you for a living host until you outrun your usefulness and are broken down into more of that insidiously stinky substance to trap their next dim-witted victim.

8 - Hangnails

Don't ask, I just have issues with the things. Whenever I get one, I go straight for my nail clippers to take the thing off - I just can't stand them. Though, I like to think I have some justification for this - I'm rather prone to them, and when I just leave them hanging they have a horrible habit of getting caught and tearing very painfully up my finger and putting blood all over the place. The same goes for skin tags of any sort, really.

7 - Tweens In Makeup

There is someting horribly disturbing in watching a twelve year old girl totter down the street in a mini-skirt and midriff top slathered in a palette of makeup that makes her look like an escapee from the Barbie factory. It makes me just as angry as it does freak me out - one one level, I'm disgusted at the message society must be giving if girls that young feel they have to do this to be accepted in life, and on another I just want to storm up to them and go "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE? GO AND PUT SOME CLOTHES ON YOU LITTLE FOOL!" 

And yes, the Caps Lock is meant to illustrate the volume of my anger. Fear it. Rawr.

6 - Noisy Kids' Toys

Many is the embarrassing time I have been walking down the aisle in Toys 'R' Us, looking for a gift for some small wailing spawn of a family friend or distant relative when, in the middle of deep inner discussion over whether the little darling would prefer a Transformer or a plush toy of Mickey Mouse, my world has been shattered by an inhuman scree-boop-wail that sends me ten feet into the air with a screech that has no right to be within the range of human hearing. It's as if the cursed things lie in wait for me and then loose their battle cries when I least expect it to see which of them can get my heart to explode first.

Not surprisingly, I now look like some sort of wanted criminal or paranoid psychotic when venturing into these aisles nowadays.

Furbies, I feel, should also get a special mention in this category. Ever since I woke late in the night to hear a faint "feeeeeeed meeeeeee" coming from my cupboard (which was terrifying enough), and then plucking up the courage to open said cupboard to discover one of the little furry horrors in the back, I have hated them with a special vengeance that I normally reserve for school exams and lumpy custard. The fact that I had tried to dispose of the monster in Australia, and then discovered it had somehow followed me across the world did not help either. If it is still here after the next move, I am going to kill it with fire. With fire I tell you!

5 - Onesies

Why anyone would want to wear something that looks like an oversized babygro is utterly beyond me - especially given their sheer impracticality in day to day life. Like many of my age group, I am adept at flinging of my pyjamas, dressing and eating breakfast in under ten minutes if the need arises, but trying to do that in one of those ridiculous affairs would probably see me flat on my face nursing a broken nose with my limbs trussed up like a Christmas turkey. 

And that's without mentioning some of the truly infantile designs they come in. I gave up being an infant sixteen years ago, and I have yet to suffer any particularly scarring incident that would make me want to regress to crying all night and sicking up my breakfast over my mother's chest.

4 - Damp Wetsuits

Continuing with the theme of demonic clothing, I find there is nothing more un-nerving than the feeling of a cold, slimy and incredibly close-fitting piece of rubber being pulled over your naked limbs. Especially when you know the only cleaning said piece of rubber has had is a dunking in a vat of equally cold and salty sea water before being flung in your face by an overzealous surfer (who, might I add, is usually wearing his own, and is suspiciously dry and clean looking). Add this to my own personal paranoia regarding things touching my neck, and you have a recipe for disaster.

3 - Seaweed

I know for a fact I am not alone in being one of those people who, when feeling something suspicious brush against their leg at the beach, will immediately launch into something that looks like an obscure tribal dance, complete with ullulating wail of horror. And if you think that's bad, imagine what I do when it not only touches me, but wraps itself around my leg and will not come off. The results, as I'm sure my family can tell you, are really rather terrifying...

2 - People Touching my Feet

The fact that I'm exceedingly ticklish only adds to this. Seriously, as an advanced warning to anyone who has yet to meet me, or has met me and does not know me particularly well, here is a key piece of advice: 

If you touch my feet, I am not responsible for any horribly crippling injuries I may cause you as a result. There will be neither compensation, apologies, or presence at your funeral in a worst case scenario. You have been warned.

And finally,

1 - This

No matter how many times I see this image, or how many times I berate myself on the idiocy of being afraid of a picture and a caption of all things, it still gives me a serious case of the heebie jeebies. In the highest sense of the word.

And what about you, dear readers? Got any particularly silly fears of your own? Reckon any of them can outdo mine? Leave me a comment, and let's find out!

- Charley R

And Not a Single "Are We There Yet?" Either.

******

Busy Charley is busy.

Proper posts will come over the weekend - promise! Fling me into a flaming chasm of doom if I don't.

In the meantime ... live long and prosper.

We're on the Weird Side of Plotting Again...

We've all been there: desperate to write something, but we honestly cannot think of what. Sometimes it's too many ideas at once, sometimes it's no ideas at all, and sometimes it's caffeine-related. It's a pain, but normally we can get out of it eventually - either by staring it down, or simply looking away and waiting for it to get bored and leave.

But sometimes we don't feel like being paragons of virtue and leaving it alone. Sometimes we want to kick the wretched conundrum into the middle of next week because WE NEED WORDS, CURSE IT!

So here, with the helps of Springhole.net, I have discovered five of the most weird, wonderful and downright giggle-snort inducing potential plots on the planet! 

To anyone who actually writes one of these for a blog post, I will personally publish a post all about it and tell the world how awesome you are.

Now ... send in the clowns!

1) A talkative cat must stop a towel and swallows the ideal significant other.

2) A geeky dancer must stop a monster from under the bed with the help of a kingdom.

3) A deranged doctor becomes another realm and swallows a monster from under the bed.

4) A fuzzy dog takes over the village and discovers the dishwasher.

5) A mysterious gargoyle disguises as a kingdom and discovers a mop.

Extra kudos to anyone who comes up with a believable method of allowing one to disguise oneself as a kingdom!

- Charley R

Confessions of a Button-Masher

Truth be told, I have never been much of a gamer - the only games console I have ever owned was a GameBoy Advance during some awkward years of Pokemon playing (I was pretty rubbish - never got my lead critters above a Level 70, and the only game I played was the Leaf Green version).  I'll play games for a social occasion - it's a fun way to spend time with friends, and can result in plenty of laffs all round - but I would never be the sort of person who would pick up a console and play just for the sake of improving my skill.

And it shows. When it comes to video games of any sort, I am the Supreme Queen of the Fail.

For example, the first time I played MarioKart was two years ago, when I was invited over to one of the boys' boarding houses by a gang of my male friends. They had a Wii in their common room, so we all sat down for a damp grey afternoon of fun. As a first time player, they gave me the benefit of the doubt and started out on some easier tracks, just until I could find my feet enough to compete somewhere more interesting.

There was no need.

Within seconds I had revealed my true skill with a console - by turning myself into an out-of-control ball of screeching, weapon-shedding, constantly exploding havoc. I fired my banana skins and mushrooms in all directions, I crashed into every human and computerised player on the track (and most of the scenery, for that matter). I even succeeded in doing an entire race ... the wrong way around.

Needless to say, there was much merriment to be had that afternoon.

And I haven't been invited back for another race yet.

Unfortunately, my complete lack of skill cannot just be put down to my unfamiliarity with the bizarre contraption that is the Wii controller. Another popular pastime of the gaming community is the famous Assassin's Creed - a game that depends mostly on skill, stealth and a good deal of practice in order to allow anyone any sort of success.

You can already guess how that went for me. There's a reason I'm always a pirate over a ninja.

If gameplay characters could talk to the players, I reckon Ezio would have been screaming at me to put the controller down and go and drown myself in the bathroom sink. I simply could not get my head around all the commands, even the most basic ones! Climbing walls and synchronising Leap of Faith mode were beyond me - not that I ever used it, because I could never work out how to run away fast enough to avoid the guards who nearly always hunted me down - despite my best efforts to fend them off by slamming my fingers on any button I could reach and cursing copiously in Latin. I was one very very dead assassin. Though, to this day, I protest that so-called "master assassins" should be able to avoid drowning in knee-high water. What's the use of having a hidden hand-cannon and knives up your sleeves if you can drown just by stepping into a particularly deep puddle? Honestly, Ubisoft!

It's the same story with dozens of other first-person games. I simply do not have the patience, calmness, or hand-eye co-ordination to utilise the console in a way that will enable me to get far into a game without help from a friend, or a few cunningly-timed cheats.
* Kingdom Hearts (I played Chain of Memories, and let me tell you the bosses drove me mad. Xigbar, get your arse off the ceiling and fight like a man! And since when is it fair that your opponent can just flash lightning from halfway across the room and turn you into a human shish-kebab before you can even get a blow on her? And don't even say the word "Luxord", or I might just have another dice-induced fit)
* Final Fantasy (Three words: DAMN YOU SEPHIROTH!)
* Legend of Zelda (the ranks of Navi haters gained a new member after about five minutes...)


The list goes on and on and on (and on, and on, and on), but the principle is basically the same. Despite my inherent nerdiness and increasingly geek-like tendencies - I'm fond of a good text-based role-play, and heck knows I'm vocal on any internet forum that talks Tolkein or Star Trek - I never have been, and probably never will be, a gamer.

They say a bad workman blames his tools. Well, a bad gamer blames the console. And I do.

Seriously, how on earth does anyone expect a highly-strung, inexperienced and very malco-ordinated teenage female, surrounded by impending foes intent on sucking out her intestines through her ears, to know which of those bizarre little buttons to click?

.... Scrabble, anyone?

My Funniest NaNoWriMo Occurences, 2011

NaNoWriMo is notorious for making strange things happen in one's novel - we all know that. Last year, I spent an afternoon giggling myself to death at some of the utterly hilarious mistypes and their consequences (I even had an unintentional innuendo that nearly made my eyes pop out of my skull).

And this year it's only got better. Here are some of the weird, wonderful and sometimes downright evil things that my typing fingers have done due to boredom, spite, mistypage, or an overdose of sugar-based edible substances.

1) Fourth Wall breakage. I've gone on about this enough already, but it is truly hilarious. Most of them are pretty rubbish - mostly me trying to up my wordcount - but one or two, I thought, were pretty hilarious.

"Veraxes, please, you know this is going to end badly. Rebelling against -"
"I thought you believed in a free society!"
"I thought you knew whose head we live in!"

Pansanger rolled onto his back and stared up at the sky. He'd done this twice before in this paragraph, but as his author had yet to work out exactly what she was going to do next, he really had nothing better to do.

Sephirax was glaring at him with the sort of vehemency he usually reserved for the moments when Spook accidentally called him Sephiroth.

2) Veraxes has a surprise sex change in the middle of a chapter! ... And I didn't even notice until nearly a page later.

(this is the moment when I worked it out...)
Veraxes' eyes glazed over for a moment, then suddenly he sprang to his feet with a cry. This sudden rediscovery of his vocal cords - and his correct gender - was so sudden that it make everyone in the camp start in alarm.

3) Gallirael spends a page and a half having an argument with himself about directions on a compass. He doesn't even own a compass.

4) Sephirax develops a bizarre addiction to tea and fruit scones. And his narrative voice in my head always speaks in a cockney accent.

5) Vidal pseudo-quotes Doctor Who. A lot.

"Vi, what is that exactly?"
"Not sure - some contraption the magi use. Goes ding when there's stuff."

Vidal's ears twisted irritably. Here he was being fiendishly brilliant and there was no one in the room to stand around and look impressed.

"Vidal, do something!"
Do what? Vidal glared at Arundel, but he was already trying to scramble up the canyon. He sighed and sprinted in the other direction , waving his arms to get the soldiers' attention. "Look at me, I'm a target!"

6) Arystel has a classic catphrase.

"Inconcievable!"

7) I dyed Sephirax's hair pink for a chapter. For kicks and giggles.


.... NaNoWriMo, what have you done to me?

There's A Dragon on my Head!

Meet Llewellyn. He's a little red dragon, about the length of my forearm. He was a birthday present a few years ago, and since then has been my constant companion as I travel back and forth between school, home and a multitude of other very strange places.

Who needs a teddy bear? I have a dragon!

***

For reasons unbeknown to me, one of Llewellyn's eyebrows fell off about a week ago. Don't ask me how that happened - though I blame the vicious cuddling I must have been giving him the night before.

***

Llewellyn is a somewhat elusive creature during the day, but if you decide you want to look for him, then he can usually be found hibernating beneath the gorgeously warm duvet that I have reluctantly vacated at some ungodly hour of the morning.

*** 

Or, alternately, you might find him here...

***

And he's not alone! At home, in one of the many strangely-placed corners of my lair, I have a large fold-out box-thing (eloquent description, non?) that contains thousands more strange and wonderful creations. There's a large tiger, a dolphin or two, a massive snake that used to live on the edge of my bunk bed - yes, I have a bunk bed, be jealous - a rather grubby lamb that has been gnawed and loved since my infancy .... and even a unicorn. Because I'm just that cool.

What about you, dear readers? What manner of  critters like to invade the warm spots you leave when you are forced from your warm Elysium of comfort each morning? Or do they have other favourite haunts around your house / flat / room / spaceship? Tell away!

Interactive Post! :D

Okay dudes, let's play a game! Here's a fun challenge for you:

Think of fifteen people (real or fictional, your choice), and make a list with their names beside their number. Then, fit their names into these phrases:

1) Two and Five are destined to overthrow the world together. Can Thirteen stop them?

2) Under what circumstances could Six and Nine fall in love?

3) One and Eight are going out together, and get abducted by aliens. Can they escape?

4) Four has gone to the beach. Would happen if they met Fourteen?

5) Twelve, Three, Seven and Fifteen are in a submarine and are attacked by One's robotic sharks. What do they do?

6) Seven and Fourteen are mortal enemies. Can Eleven reconcile them to one another?

7) Ten has been poisoned! Who did it?

8) Fifteen likes Ten, but Ten likes Twelve. Twelve, however, has the hots for Eight, who hates Twelve and gangs up on them with Seven. Where is One in all this?

Post up your best results in the comments below. Virtual cookies to the person who makes me laugh the most ;)

Mary-Sues

I hate Mary-Sues. No, I don't hate them. I despise them with every outraged fibre of my incandescently furious being!

Everybody know what a Mary-Sue is? I suspect most writerly types (or just about anyone who reads, be it fanfiction or published books) will know what they are, but here's a little definition for anyone I've lost. They're characters (both original and, in fanfiction, already present in the story) who are, for want of a better word, perfect. They're gorgeous, they have exotic names, tattoos and birthmarks, they have earth-shatteringly awesome powers, everything they wear oozes sex appeal and they are so insanely wonderful that anyone who's met them for more than two or three seconds would give their life for them at the drop of a hat. And they always, always, get together with a mouth-wateringly gorgeous love interest at some stage.

Oh, but the author knows they can't risk creating a perfect  character, so they quirk things up with a heart-wrenching (*bleck*) backstory. Rape, abuse, kidnap, the death of family, friends, mentors and loved ones, unbreakable curses, amnesia and tortured thoughts of atrocities they're sure they're responsible for.

And angst. Immeasurable eternities of angst.

All this tragedy is supposed to make us sympathise with the character, while their awesomeness is there to encourage us to look up to and like them. However, it has the opposite effect. The character is not the independent, spirited, kick-ass heroine we want, but a weepy-waily little floozie who hurls herself at the nearest male and spends most of her time collapsed and sobbing in his arms from stress and exhaustion. Gary-Stues {male Mary-Sues - less common, but just as toxic} are just as bad - their overpowered hunkiness sweeps through opposition like a hot knife through butter, reducing formerly self-reliant women to fawning doe-eyed concubines that line up to get a dose of his godliness. That is, if he's not in the middle of a rage-fit or breakdown.

But that's not the thing that irks me most about Sues. Cool powers, funky tattoos and wonderful physiques are not a bad thing in a character - in fact, I find bland characters to be almost as bad as over-wrought Sues - but they don't make good stories. In original fiction, the plots can be so contrite and ridden with cliches, that it's not much of a plot at all, just a series of exploits during which our Sue can both show off their awesomeness and have huge angst sessions. It's very hard to worry for a character if you know they can just snap their fingers and blast the foe into a thousand tiny bits.

Also, in fanfiction especially, the presence of Sues tends to do horrible things to the canon. It's bad enough in their own world, but at least there the other characters are little better than cardboard cutouts are are unlikely to know any better. But in fanfiction, the wonderful, colourful people we know, love and root for, are subjected to the worst sort of torture. Their personalities are stripped away, leaving blank puppets that are utterly defenceless before the sparkly evil of the Almighty Mary-Sue. Harry is helpless without them, Kirk's eyes pop out of his sockets as his years of hard-won skills are surpassed in seconds, and Aragorn and Legolas are lowered to the level of squabbling over who loves them more. The reader is left horror-struck as their beloved story crumbles to piles of fluffy crap, punctuated here and there with a badly written sex scene or another display of the Sue's deity-status abilities. The story we love is gone, and we are instead left blundering through this awful, predictable ordeal whereby every one of the story's key events is squooshed beneath a mountain of glittery crap.

Oh Boromir, I am so sorry you had to come back from the death to endure an eternity thanking the Sue for saving your wretched arse while they stomp all over your city and watch as your people gaze up at her in puppy-dog adoration. So, so sorry.

And the worst part? It's all so easily avoidable.As if Sues themselves don't stick out like neon-painted toxic sludge monsters, there are a bajillion-and-three "litmus tests" out there that can help you spot Mary-Sues and warn you about their draining effect on a story. Here's the one I use, and I cannot possibly tell how useful it has been in helping me rescue one of my characters from Gary-Stu-ness, and placing a protective barrier between the rest of his story and a truly toxic fate:

The Universal Mary-Sue Litmus Test - Springhole.net

However, there is one thing that Sue-fics are good for. Sporking. These guys are the best of the bunch at turning an odyssey of agony into a non-stop LOL-fest: "Deleterius" Community - LiveJournal

Warning: bring tissues. You'll laugh until your brain dribbles out of your nose.

In the meantime, may the Supreme Spork keep you and your stories all safe from the dreaded Suethor.

~ Charley R

From Somewhere Beneath the Textbooks ...

Hello everyone! I've just started my GCSE exams! Yaaaaaaaaaay!
Not.
Though I'm loving all the free time I get for study leave, the idea of taking definitive exams that could change the course of my entire future and possibly result in me being rejected by all the universities and end up living out of a trash can is a wee bit daunting. It doesn't help that every other minute of my day is spent calming down my hyperventilating housemates.

So here, courtesy of Google, are some pictures that not only make me laugh like a hyena that swallowed a helium balloon, but reassure me that, no matter what, there is still some light of comedy in a cruel, textbook-infested world ...

 ^ When I grow up, I want to be as cool as the person who made that. ^

And finally ... MONTY PYTHON!!! :D

ThinkGeek Awesomeness

Does anyone else get that "after birthday" feeling? 'Cause I think I have it. I got a pretty epic haul so far, I must admit, but now I'm sort of on a low note. I think I'm getting wrapping-paper-shredding withdrawal symptoms. And yes, I do have an obsession with shredding wrapping paper. It's cheaper than therapy, right?

Anywho, I was browsing around www.thinkgeek.com today, and I found possibly the most epic-tastic things on the face of the earth. These are the things that birthday lists of dreams are made of.

Chekkit out ...

Item Uno: The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide

Froody...

Item Duo: Collectible Lord of the Rings Plushies

These are just too adorable for words.

Item The Third: Star Trek "USS Enterprise" Bottle Opener

Come on, you wouldn't complain about having to serve drinks at your parents' dinner parties if you got to use this, would you?

Item Mark IV: Monty Python "Killer Rabbit" Slippers

 

I warned you not to buy these, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew, didn't you? Oh, they're just  harmless little bunny slippers, arent' they? 

Item The Last: Harry Potter Wand Remote TV Control

One word: WANT!

I love being a Geek.
May the Mass Times Acceleration be with you!

-Spoo(c)k

Only In Australia ...

*facepalm*

Prize Typos from "Legend"

'Allo everyone!
As anyone who's taken a look at my "Scribblings" tab will know, I'm currently working on the the third installment of my fantasy trilogy. Amidst a lot of plotting, backstabbing, ambushing, snarling, snapping, swearing and pyromania, I have actually managed to give a couple of iffy scenes a read over in the past few days. Of course, as one often does in rough first drafts, I found typos.
And what magnificent typos. Here are a few of my favourites that I think you will all enjoy.

"Kairin winced and rubbed the mark on his chests" - So he's a pirate now? Arr!

"I can hardly even smell my own name!" - A bad case of BO perhaps?

"No doubt with the aim of conquering all who stood in his bath" - Touch the rubber ducks at your peril!

That's all for now folks!

-Spook (never realised how hard it was to write an assassination scene, let alone successfully bungle one)

LOTR Parodies, Pure and Undiluted Silliness

In answer to the questions that are undoubtedly raging in your minds right now:

1 - Yes, I'm a Lord of the Rings nerd
2 - Yes, I have a weird sense of humour
3- Yes, I am posting these links in the hope you will find them as mind-blowingly, eye-poppingly hysterical as I do.

and 4 - No, there is nothing you can do about it.

BEHOLD!

http://laine.anime.net/Parody/Lotr/boredom.html

http://laine.anime.net/Parody/Lotr/twins.jpg

http://laine.anime.net/Parody/Lotr/zit01.html

http://laine.anime.net/Parody/Lotr/date800.jpg

Charley's 2010 NaNo-isms

For some bizarre reason (probably boredom) I found myself trawling through the NaNoWriMo site this afternoon, and found a few of my old posts. I thought some of them were somewhat hilarious, so I have decided to post them here for you all to enjoy *grins*

1 - In reply to "What Will Your Characters Do after your Novel Ends?"

Mine, I think, will probably end up being ditched on another world by their somewhat careless rescuers. I like to think they'll be happy, but after all the trauma I've put them through I think it might take a while for them to recover. The cute pair I've matched up should be fine, but one of my other FMCs may be eternally miserable because I drove her lover mad, then had him try to kill her, then, just when it looked like I'd be nice and give him back to her, I had him killed off brutally. Mwua ha ha ha ha.

My villains have all been blown up into tiny little bits by said murdered character ... and now I have a horde of dead bad guys running rupshot in my head with my other dead characters chasing them. It's like a demented game of ectoplasmic stuck-in-the-mud!

.... I think this is their idea of revenge.

2 - In reply to "Mistakes You Made as an Amateur Writer."

Ahaha, while I'm still not the world's best writer, I've been flicking back through my old stuff recently and ... oh my gods, it burns my eyeses!


1) Over-dramatisation. My MC did not fall in the river, he plunged head first into the icy cold abyss of freezing water that dragged at him and tore the air from his lungs. Yeah ... I still do that occasionally.


2) My characters all have ridiculously complicated names. Spell-checking them was a nightmare ... and I mis-spelled them enough times to blow my own brains out.


3) My heroes are such wusses. One second my warrior-hero is chopping through piles of evil enemies, the next he's blubbing like a baby because someone tried to take his arm off with a sword. *facepalm*


4) Cliched characters. Perfect heroes? Check. Sarcastic sidekicks? Yep. Evil swishy-cloak-wearing villain? You betcha. And don't get me started on the women .... because I rarely had any. As I myself am a girl, I find this slightly worrying ...


And finally ...

5) Character abuse. I must have been an axe murderer in my past life because I can't seem to go a chapter without brutally injuring someone. Broken arms, lost eyes, stab-wounds, enormous scars, limbs hacked off .... I was evil.


Probably still am, as I still torture them a good deal more than I should .... someone call the Character Police on me :P

And finally, in reply to "You have just been ... DELETED!"

I didn't delete any characters .... I just abused, tortured and brutally murdered all the ones I had already. I think I may be one of those writers whose body count is higher than her word count ... *looks at wordcount and giggles nervously*

I blame the bad guys.

Hee hee hee! *does crazy dance and runs away singing "God Save the Queen" with a floral towel around her head*

- Spook

To all the Hitch-Hiking Froods out there!

Hey everyone!
The 25th of May is Towel Day, a special day that commemorates the life of Douglas Adams, author of "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy".

I don't know about you, but I could not stop laughing when I read the book, and it remains my favourite to this very day. After all, how else would I learn how to do useful things such as hide from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal, and convince a silly strag to give me everything and anything I so desire, simply because I carry a towel and therefore must be a paragon of intelligence, strength and sheer awesomeness?

So please, to all you hoopy froods out there, sign this petition to get Google to change their logo on Towel Day, in memory of the man who taught us all to know where our towels are.

http://www.petitiononline.com/towelday/

And thanks for all the fish!

- Spook (the Towel Queen)

It's Christmaaaaaaaaaaaas!

Set the bells a'jingling, deck the halls and start decorating the tree, because it's time to get festive!

Anway, this is just a quick post from me to wish you all the most joyous of Noel's and hope you don't get hit by any stray reindeer. Also, if you're up to your ankles in snow as we are, be sure to have a decent snowball fight!

Other than that; sit back, relax, watch lots of Christmas specials, eat copious amounts of turkey-bird and don't regret a second of it!

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Behold! Tis I! In a Swishy Cape!

Aha! Thou shalt not defeat me, oh thou dull laptop! I told you that camera existed, caudex!


Sorry ... bit of a victory rant there. Either way, here are a few pictures to amuse you of me in my epic Zorro costume in my house Christmas party on Friday night. I won second place in the costume competition too!

And don't get me started on how many times I fell over that bleeding cape ...

Behold my fearsome weapon!

...

Okay, so it's a stick and half a Pepsi bottle covered in tin foil. I was still proud of it!

Engarde!

"Why hello there ...."

Whoa ... scary close up!

"Mwua ha ha ha ha!"

And there you have it, Spook in a Zorro outfit! I dyed my hair black as well ... my Mum laughed so hard she nearly fell over. Ah well, it'll come out in a few washes ... won't it? o_O

Whovian Hilarity

Any Doctor Who fans out there? Well, check these out, they are absolutely brilliant. I nearly fell off my bed watching the first one!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1WRX9uROtE - complete Doctor, Martha, Jack madness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlUvUFH_0j8&NR=1 - Just ... bahahahaha!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAk2HjHSGbo&feature=related - Dalek, Dalek, TRUCK!

Enjoy! ... or should that be, EXTERMINATE!

Why I Love Security Passphrases

"Please type in the security phrase to post comment."
Sound familiar? Probably, that phrase seems to follow most of us around the internet like a second shadow. I don't know how many times I've got peeved with the wretched things - why can't I just express my view and have done with it? Do I really need to verify I'm human? And what if I'm not human, what if I'm some six-eyed, purple-skinned, nine-toed giraffe from a distant planet? Does that mean I can't comment, huh, does it?

Yeah ... you get the idea.

But there is one thing I like about those widgets. They give you the most delicious nonsense words to type out! "Amonelli", "ovestele", "mircumstate", "gobumpok", they sound like some sort of bizarre love-child born of a mass word-orgy between all the world's minor dialects. My mother always says, "Why don't they just give us actual words instead of inventing stupid ones like these?" I say, "Why aren't these words real, they're brilliant!"

I think I may now have to make it my life goal to use the word "gobumpok" in an actual conversation. Either that, or re-write the dictionary.