Saturday 14 April 2012

Thank God It's Over! - Charley R's Guide to Endings

And they all lived happily ever after.
The End.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels an overwhelming urge to impale themself on a stick when I read those lines? As if the fact that the line itself is so horribly cliché - so much that, nowadays, only Disney can get away with it without being ripped to shreds - the worst part is that it commits the one mistake that really gets my goat when it comes to endings.

No matter of the events, the target age or the genre of your story, it is impossible.

Even if it is only because some unfortunate pixie got stood on by the heroine's clumsy-but-well-meaning fluffy pink unicorn while she was riding through the Meadows of Joy searching for the queen's lost Sparkly Tiara of Rainbows, a truly all-encompassing "happily ever after" is truly an unaccomplishable feat. Not in the least because there's usually some form of baddie who requires squishing along the way.

Besides, there's an even worse reason why this ending deserves to slip in the shower, bash its teeth on the handrail and have to spend the next ten hours having bits of plastic and pointy metal stuck in its mouth to fix it.

It's B.O.R.I.N.G. In capitals.

The ending of a book is absolutely crucial, to both author and reader. It's the last the reader sees of the world, their last chance to know what becomes of the beloved (or utterly despised) characters they have met and accompanied. You've got to make it memorable - especially if you're planning to bring the readers back to your work again, irregardless of a sequel!

Now then, please squash your wriggling Disneyfied endings under the sofa as we utilise the delights of the culinary world to browse through the qualities and possibilities of an ending that will have your readers screaming for more ... and, in some cases, for your head on a stick.

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1 - In Which the Ending is Like a Chocolate Cake.
Speaking from personal experience, I feel there are few things in the world that can be declared more satisfying than finishing off a delicious piece of mouth-watering chocolate cake. You lounge back in your chair, nursing a happily gurgling tummy and licking the last scraps of deliciousness from your mouth. True, you nearly choked on that Smartie a couple of minutes ago, and the jammy icing took a little getting used to, but, all in all, you are a happy bunny.

The Chocolate Cake Ending is popular, and rightly so. While bad things may have happened in the book, and everything may not have worked out spectacularly for everyone involved, the end result for the reader is a warm, happy feeling that everything is as it should be. The prince is back on the throne, the mystery's solved, the killer's back in jail and the poor neglected rape victim is curled up on the sofa with her cat and loving new boyfriend.

The reader likes this ending because it's a message of hope, and because the characters they love have an ending that the reader thinks they deserve. Avoid overmuch sugar, though. The dreaded "Happily Ever After" bacteria have been known to infect cake with more than a healthy tablespoon of serendipity.


2 - In Which the Ending is Like an Over-Spicy Curry
Asfdfgjjkg!!! What on earth just happened? What was that? Where's it gone? Why is there a purple iguana eating my petunias?

Curry is deadly stuff. While its tingly, tangy spice is enticing and delicious and wonderful, the after effects of sudden dizziness, loss of direction and the urge to drink half of the Pacific Ocean to sate the burning in your throat are dangers you sometimes might not be willing to brave.

The Spicy Curry Ending is brilliant in the right hands. Cliffhangers, mind-bending twists in the plot, eye-popping revelations at the last moment - chuck it all in and stir in the hot sauce! Readers love to be surprised and entertained, and there's nowhere better to distress them in this manner than at the moment when they thought it was safe to get back in the water. Though you may give the reader a small heart attack, they will remember this ending and, hopefully, that strange sense in humans that being put through masses of pleasurable pain is a brilliant idea will tell them to run off and buy another of your books this moment! This is an excellent strategy particularly if you want to lure them into sequels.

Warning: application of hot sauce is not adviseable if your book is more honeyed pancake than school dinner rice. Being astonishingly clever and being absurdly contrived are worryingly close together, and the line has been somewhat rubbed by all those people running to the kitchen for an aspirin. Use with caution.


3- In Which the Ending is Like a Raisin-Filled Cookie
There is no greater treachery in the world than that of the crazed sadist who decided it would be fun to put raisins in cookies. There you are, expecting your delicious mouthful of chocolate-and-dough based goodness, your mouth waters, your eyes mist at the prospect, you sink your teeth in, waiting, waiting for the moment ... and you weep at your betrayal.

Raisin Cookie Endings are the reason why I have trust issues. The reader clings on tenaciously through the story; screaming at the characters, willing them on, cursing the cruel twists of fate, whooping ecstatically at each small victory. And then, just when you being to hope it will all be okay ... your hopes are crushed like an imploding Super Nova.

There is no better way to make a reader cry than with a Raisin Cookie Ending. Breaking the hearts of readers is no easy feat, no matter how easily they cry, with a book. You've got to draw them in, link them with back-straining detail to the world, make them care, make them get involved ... and then you have to find a way of destroying them so utterly that they won't have the strength to strangle you. It's hard work, and it can all go horribly wrong if done incorrectly (am I the only one who laughs hysterically when someone/thing I don't care about dies painfully?), but when you get it right ...

My inner villain loves this ending. My outer one adores it.


4 - In Which the Ending is Like Your Granny's Cooking
You honestly didn't believe it was food, at first. You poked it, you sniffed it, you shunted it around the plate a bit. You wondered if dotty old Granny B had got your dinner mixed up with that of her twenty-six ginger toms. You certainly didn't think it was edible.

But, to your (and the cats') astonishment ... it was. You'd never believe it if you went back in time and told yourself ten minutes previously that you would enjoy it, but you honestly did. "Don't judge a book by its cover" takes on a whole new meaning. You may not like it to start with, but after a few mouthfuls and some careful consideration - which probably doesn't involve wondering what the ingredients are, for your sanity's sake - you've decided you like it.

Granny's Cooking Endings are weird. From the outset they seem mediocre, or maybe even a bit off. Why on earth did the world-saving detective refuse to take her pay and go and live in a remote African village immunising babies against malaria? Especially as she's terrified of plane flights. But, upon more careful consideration, you see that she has made this decision because, after that last mission, she's decided that she was detecting for all the wrong reasons and would much rather spend her time doing what she believed she was trying to do - helping people. True, she leaves her fiancee, her family, her job, everything she's loved, but it's what she needs to do. And, in the end, you're happy for her.

Don't add too much theological or moral lesson-up-nose-shoving in here, though. You want to make a point, not choke someone with it.


5 - In Which the Ending Tastes of Custard
That's right, it tastes of custard. You don't know why it tastes of custard, you see no reason for it to taste of custard, and nor does anyone else. You don't even like custard.

But, whatever the reason, it's absolutely hysterical. You don't know what you're laughing at, or even why you're laughing in particular, but the Custard Ending will have you out of breath, clapping like a drugged-up seal at a Queen concert while your diaphram explodes into a thousand tiny pieces in your chest. And you'll be laughing so hard you won't feel the operation to clean up the aftermath either.

There are mulitple ingredients you can add to your ending to trigger a Custard Reponse. A deliciously ironic statement, a wriggle-inducing come-uppance, a bizarrely serendipitious happening, or (my favourite) a clincher to a book-long running joke. Terry Pratchett is the Charley-proclaimed Master of Custard Endings, though Douglas Adams, Alexandre Dumas and Jasper Fforde aren't far behind! Look them up if you want any tips on your Custard Recipe.

As a warning, this ending isn't to everyone's taste. Auntie Beryl was never one for custard, you know, and your story may wear it like a purple and orange tea cosy on its head unless the Ending has a jolly good reason to be there.

Also, watch out for custard allergies. Those can get awkward too.

***

Have I missed anything? Let me know in the comments what you think of my endings, dear readers, and feel free to add recipies of your own to the mix! The fatter the cookbook the better, after all!

Addition of alcohol to aforementioned dishes is done at the cook's discretion ;)

- Charley R

59 comments:

  1. Forsooth, 'tis funny! 'Tis funny indeed, and 'tid make me double up larfing, as it were. Thy humour is commendable, young fellow, yet certain metaphorical statements made little sense to my uncultured noodle. Indeed, however, I pondered my own scribblings many a time in the duration of the bulletin, and have procured new insights by the wagonful! I thanketh thee profusely as my limited timely budget mayst allow, yet humbly inquireth which Dumas works are considered "custard endings". I hungereth for the knowledge and example that thou mayst provide.

    Liam, Head Phil

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    1. Ayay, mine friend, 'tis an honour to have thou laffing so at mine post! 'Tis the fulfillment of my tiny introspective lifestyle to see mine work bring merriment to others.

      As for Master Dumas' work, I find the ending of "The Three Musketeers" and the fourth novel of that sequence "Ten Years Later" to be of the custard variety - forsooth, I near giggled myself into the arms of sweet and artful death!

      Charley, Lady of the House of Madness.

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    2. Alas and alack, but e'en as I recall reading The Three Musketeers, I also recall forgetting the ending, custard-like as it mayst seem. I shall refresh my memory when my aforementioned timely budget is allayed somewhat, mayhap by its favorite victuals.

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    3. Alas, time's winged chariot makes fools of us all to rob us of our joys and hobbies. May you find some soon, or I fear my heart will be much aggrieved.

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    4. I mayst yet procure such time as necessary for the discovery of that example to which you alludeth, mayhap sometime this summer, when there mayst prove to be less obstacles in my continuous pursuit of the said winged chariot. I have resolved that I shan't let the custard vanish, until my noodle undestandeth conclusively!

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    5. Ah, fair summer, hasten to our home so that we mayst indulge ourselves in the literary works without the fear of the tyranny of schoolbook torture!

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    6. Oh, for the blissful time as May terminates, and with it the insipid thickness of mind bestowed by overfed texts! 'Tis a sad time for all of us, milady, and no more to be borne. I shall lead a revolution!
      REMEMBER THE AARDVARK! *runs out of the room into a hallway, from whence emits a horrible noise* Never mind. Forget the aardvark. *kicks the bucket*

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    7. *runs off in the opposite direction* I WILL AVENGE THEE, mine aardvark-murdered friend! I shalt banish these cursed exams back from whence they came .... then I shalt donate some time to scraping thee off the walls. That aardvark did some cruel things to thine innards!

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    8. Alas, I am killed! Do not grieve, O my friend, for my horrible demise. The Aardvark shall be vanquished! (That is, squished by a van.) Urk. *kicks bucket again, severely denting it*

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    9. *obliterates bucket with a machine gun* I know that this small act of vengeance wil not return thee to life ... but mine own conscience is soothed muchly by this act of sadistic malice. I shall call for the van to perform the squishing of the foul aardvark!

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    10. Forsooth, but this is something of the style of Shakespeare we play a part in, is it not? Shakespeare knows no bounds! Now help me scoop up my intestines and I shall aid thee in driving!

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    11. By my troth, I believe you are correct milord! What madness, friends, is this? A fine sort of madness it seems, and one to stretch the cranium delightfully.

      Your aid would be much appreciated ... I confess I hath not yet had training in the art of car conducting!

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    12. Indeed, 'twould be all but impossible if we were not near-insane. But what fun and frivolity we may experience when in this state!

      Hurrah! Charge... *turns key and car dies, smoking profusely* ...on foot!

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    13. Indeed! i once tested this fruit of "normality", and forsooth twas the most lackadaisical time of my existence!

      Hmm ... alright! *grabs sword and sprints off*

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    14. We are all mad here, as once quoth a certain smiling cat. Tho' I be crazed beyond relief, yet I shall fight the mold of normality!

      No! Ah, it grates upon the ears! Not "alright"! It's not alright! It's all right! For Aslan! For freedom! For my rubber squid!

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    15. To be crazed is to be free, mine friend, free as the breeze on which thou wanders.

      FOR GONDOOOOOOOR ... and my sanity! I KNOW THEY HAST IT CAPTIVE SOMEWHERE! xD

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    16. Indeed, but we shouldst be freer than the light caressing zephyrs that wander where they will. Our imaginations are our sole bonds, and those are so loose, I mayst flit where I wouldst.

      Forsooth, but you don't need sanity in this insane world of ours! FOR FOUR, POR FAVOR! REMEMBER THE AARDV-- Never mind. That wasn't so swell last time. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!

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    17. I concur. Out with the iron chains of logic, what need hath we that taste the sweet and sour and thousand colours of madness of another plain triangle?

      That is true, but I wouldst give it its freedom willingly, and not have it held captive by others. I can go where it wills beyond me. FOR THE NORTH! WINTERFELL! SET PHASERS, WARP FACTOR NINE!

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    18. Indeed. And what greater embodiment of logic and order of thought than our textbooks? And isn't this how we started, anyway?

      THAT MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER! "I can go where it wills beyond me"? RUBBISH! HOGWASH! COMPLETE HORSERADISH! I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU, MORTIMER; STAY OUT OF THE REFRIGERATOR. (Sorry, couldn't resist. If you tell me what that quote is from, I'll stick by your side forever.) EULALIA! (Same with that one.)

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    19. I concur! DEATH TO THE TEXTBOOKS!

      Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium. I LOVED that movie *giggles*
      And Redwall too! Gods my childhood is flying back in my face in the manner of an overgrown newspaper...

      "The hill is harmless enough, it's the killer daisies you have to watch." STICK 'EM WITH THE POINTY END!

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    20. AND THAT'S WHAT WE STARTED WITH! FULL CIRCLE! OH, YEAH!

      Absolutely. It's the best movie ever. The writer is great, as is the music. In the hot-dog-to-hot-dog ratio, why for the love of mustard are there never enough buns?
      Okay, try this one: THERE IS NO DEFENSE AGAINST THE ARMAGI! STYX! STYX! STYX!

      Thanks for the tip. WATCH OUT FOR CANNIBALISTIC HERBIVORES!

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    21. Wait .... does this mean your ping-pong ball of death could be an escaped bouncy ball that took a few knocks in life and turned really, really sadistic? *worried thoughts*

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    22. Um... You didn't answer my question, but no. He spent a ping pong eternity bouncing between two wooden paddles. Endless spankings... Terrible way o live, eh? Then he had a couch dropped on him, giving him a mouth and the ability to mouth off when he wants, as well as to bite. Thus, he can perform torture scenes.

      So you didn't get the Styx reference. Bummer. Try this one: ARALUENS, CHARGE! SKANDIANS, LIKEWISE!
      And this one: DEATH TO THE ADDERHEAD!

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    23. Aaaah, I see. Poor ping-pong ball. Does he have a name?

      Heart. Spell. Death. That is all ;)

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    24. The ping pong ball is named Steve. He was invented as a character in a moderately short story I wrote, and a day later came into being when a real ping pong ball split partially in half. I named that one Steve too. Now I have four inanimate ping pong balls (Steve, Sam, Silas and Sid) as well as two actual characters (Sam and Steve).

      Too much ink overall. I prefer regular old graphite lead.
      Now... Do the words David, Zanna, Lucy and Liz Pennykettle, Tam Farrell and Gwilanna mean anything to you?

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    25. Aaah, I see. Hehe, I love your little named collection of pingpong balls ... just occured to me I have a character named Silas ... I wonder what he thinks of pingpong balls *giggles*

      Err ... I'm afraid not. Enlighten me?

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    26. I also have a character named Silas, apart from the ping pong ball. I have yet to name a character Silo...

      Chris D'Lacey. Say those names I told you to Miriam Joy and she'll explain. Probably. It's a great series-- I like to call it "true fantasy" because it's sufficiently mind-boggling to make any fantasy reader's brain overheat. Fringe is another thing like that... Ever watch Fringe? I'm not even sure if it plays in the UK.
      Also, the reference a few comments above was from Roderick Gordon and Brian Williams's Tunnels series. That is a very good series.

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    27. Oh right .... must admit I've heard of Fringe, but never watched it, and I haven't actually heard of any of your aforementioned authors there. I do like having my mind-boggled though :P

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    28. Fringe is pretty cool. It's based on the theory that parallel universes can keep themselves parallel by vibrating on different frequencies-- namely, the key of G and the key of C. That and a lot of other things...

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    29. Riiiiight ... sounds intriguing.

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    30. Indeed.

      Here expires the trial period for the Head Phil's comments. To get more comments, return the favor on his blog. Thank you, and please stop by the concession stand on your way out.

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    31. Have I not followed you yet!? WHAT IS THIS MADNESS!

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  2. If your novels are written anything like your blog posts, Charley, then you must let me know the SECOND they're published, because I need to read them. I LOVE your writing style!

    And your food comparisons were hilarious, although personally I adore raisins in cookies. But that's beside the point. ;)

    My favorite kind of book ending is...well, it's hard to say. I've been known to quite enjoy a good heartwarming, Chocolate Cake ending, but nearly all of my favorite books have more of a Raisin Cookie ending - bittersweet, with both happy and heartbreaking elements to it. Any ending that makes me cry...well, usually I love it. :) Often, the best kind of conclusion makes me cry but then goes on to end on a hopeful note, so I can imagine a brighter future in Bookland. Yes, that's my favorite kind!

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    1. You LIKE raisins in cookies!? Thou has a taste for treachery, girl!

      Aww, thank you! I shall let you know the second my books are out ... hopefully sometime this year, though it's technically a collaborative project. Hope you'll enjoy it anyway, hee hee!

      Yes, those endings are lovely - though I'm also a masochist that loves an occasional heartbreaker. Choccie Cake endings are alright as long as there's not too many of them. Also a fan of Custard when I need cheering up, hee hee!

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    2. Shocking, I know. But I seem to feel, with both cookies and endings, that the mix is a good one. ;)

      Ooh, I'll look forward to reading it - collaboration or no! :)

      And yes, a good Custard ending can be fantastic! Although I don't come across them too often. When I do, though...well, it can be great fun to leave a book laughing! :D

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    3. Custard endings are rather rare, you're right, but when you find them they're fab. My mum hates them, but to me they're the funniest things ever xD

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  3. Can I live in your head, please? It seems like a weird and wonderful place full of plot bunnies, insane master plans, and just general randomness. I imagine you'd end up getting lost within the eccentricity of it all, and as long as your characters don't to try kill/maim me, I'm okay with that.

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    1. Develop the technology and hop on in! I assure you, most of the locals are perfectly friendly - unless otherwise specified to be grumpy, animalistic, clinically insane or fond of biting ears off as a form of greeting. I'm sure they'd love you ... as long as you agreed on their plot to get vengeance on me for abusing them for so long, bahahaha!

      Your comment made me very happy, just so you know :)

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  4. Three cheers for the slightly insane, metaphors-of-food writer extraordinaire! Though... have you never bitten into an oatmeal raisin cookie, the most delectable, soft, melt-in-your-mouth style of cookie imaginable? Better to have the cookie have a raisin or two in the middle than nothing at all! Talk about betrayal there... you bite down into a mouthful of cookie, only to find you've only bitten into a morsel. Terrible feeling that. :)

    But you missed the ending that tastes like a grain of salt! You know, that ending that seemed rather abrupt, finishing off simply and quietly, but, when looking back on, you realized that it was all the story needed. Just the right amount, any more and the story would have soured, any less and the story would have been spoiled. And the best part, you can imagine any ending you wish.

    That's my kind of ending. :)

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    1. Hehe, I'm allergic to some of the ingredients in oatmeal, so I can't really eat those - sounds yummeh though :P

      Aaaah, salt endings! I forgot the salt! I ALWAYS forget the salt! Though I suppose that's what I meant by the Granny's Cooking ending, in a way :P

      Glad you like the post :)

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  5. I am not sure which was better, the delicious post or the crumbs below. :}
    *giggles*

    I would claim you've pretty much plagiarized my Phoenixes for Chocolate Cake, but I know I"m not the only on to end it that way. I call it 'happily ever after... for now *Mua ha ha!*' - hm... now where did that evil streak come from?

    The only people I let get away with a happily ever after are the original faerie tales and children's books.

    Oh and I hope it won't ruin our friendship, but I'm a fan of a good Oatmeal Raisin cookie... Oatmeal Raisin. Now if anyone tried to substitute raisins for chocolate chips I too would have trust issues. I'd have even worse trust issues if they tried to use that chocolate substitute... can't remember its name and can't seem to find it on a Google search. Anyway I can tell an oatmeal cookie from a Sugar cookie with ease so I pretty much know what type of cookie I'm getting. :}

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    1. Tee hee hee, the funny thing is I didn't even realise the ending was like the Phoenix books until I read it twice ... THEY'RE INVADING MY SUBCONSCIOUS!!! THEY'RE IN IT WITH THE OTHERS TO ANNHILIATE MY BRAIN! HELP! xD

      Hehe, as I told Farjag, I'm kinda allergic to some of the things that creep into oatmeal, so I've never had one of those. You are forgiven ;)

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  6. I'm the Raisin-filled cookie type, though I like to have some message of hope in there too. I mean, I kill most people off, and leave a couple alive ... and then I'm going to kill them both in the third book.

    (Leah and Cormac get out of there. They're pretty much the only ones, though. So keep an eye on Mel.)

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    1. You're even worse than me! At least I let some live .... so I can do sequels. And maim them for longer. Some of 'em would consider death an easy way out xD

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    2. I kill them all off and then do sequels anyway. It's a TRILOGY, remember. I just decided it didn't need either of the two main characters.

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  7. This was brilliant!

    For some reason I really like custard endings. Douglas Adams is my favourite custard-er.

    I approve of your blog wholeheartedly (although that may not count for much in the grand scheme of things).

    -Gabi

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    1. Hello there! Welcome to the Tower!

      Really glad you liked the post - I love Douglas Adams too. Brain the size of a planet and they have him wrting daft kids' books! xD

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    2. Hey there. Kid's books aren't so daft!
      How else does one learn not to give a mouse a cookie?
      :P

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    3. I never said "daft" was a bad thing! I like daft ... I AM daft xD

      Ah yes, a valuable life-lesson that, and one easily made without proper teaching otherwise xD

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  8. LOL! This is hilarious! And I'm glad I'm not the only one who makes culinary analogies.
    I go for chocolate cake endings myself, but I don't mind curry endings.
    YES, RAISINS ARE HORRIBLE! My mom made hot cross buns for Easter and put both raisins and craisins in them, and I thought she had just put craisins in, and then I tasted a villainous raisin. I ought to name a villain in a story Raisin.

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    1. I'm glad you think so - I thorouhly enjoyed writing it, hee hee!

      I like raisins well enough in places where they're supposed to be, but NOT IN MY COOKIES! BEGONE INTERLOPERS! xD

      Also ... what on earth is a craisin? xD

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    2. Craisins are raisins made with cranberries instead of grapes. I find them much more appealing than regular raisins.

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    3. Oh right ... they sound interesting. May have to try them sometime :)

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  9. This is hysterical! I found your blog through a comment on Taylor Lynn's and I am in love. And rolling on the floor laughing just about every other post, too. XD

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    1. Hello there! Welcome to the Tower, I'm really glad you like what you find! Stay tuned, 'cause it ain't stopping any time soon ;)

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  10. Girl, how do you nail these things so perfectly? My goodness. This is why you're awesome. One of my favorite posts of yours EVER :)

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