Tuesday 17 April 2012

Mayday! Mayday!

Hiya readers! Sorry about the late post today, I've been having a little trouble wit-

*gjekgjjwjgnJIREHJEGOGJjg84838huerotiwjkb!bnweoonboe*

Ah. So this is what she was doing. I HAD NO IDEA - oh, so that's what that button does - she was so obsessive about that timetable of hers. How intriguing.


Apologies for the mess on the keyboard - a rather inavoidable consequence of having an angry ball of biting author on your hands. Still, hopefully she won't be around to cause another disturbance for a while. A swift saucepan-to-the-head and rapid disposal in the Plot Bunny Hole ought to keep her occupied for a looooong while yet.


But enough about that - I'd better get this message out quickly, so that I can run for my life and bury myself in a very very deep hole. No matter how long she's out for, there'll be hell to pay when she wakes up.


I can't give you my name - because that would be exceedingly stupid given what I've just told you - but I can tell you this, readers. Charley Robson is evil. And I don't mean that lightly. I'm not talking about her cute little references to painful plot twists, her love for villainous characters and her sickeningly cute references to plans for World Domination. I'm talking the sort of evil that enjoys destroying life, limb and sanity. On a regular basis. When she's bored. 


I'm here to make a little plea to you, readers. You might laugh at me, but I speak with every scrap of honesty I can muster. We need your help. There's not much more we can take of this - she's killing us all one by one, laughing at our demise and thinking how best she can inflict our misery on your emotions.


In 2010, during that accursed National Novel Writing Month, she brought about a holocaust that resulted in a totalitarian cybornetic governemnt. The last human survivors were driven underground and subjected to appauling sanitary conditions, constant hunger, little in the way of medical supplies and the constant fear of being found out and subjected to a process so horrific I can't even bear to write it here. The results of the story involved countless deaths, and such mental anguish that a former soldier was driven to a form of homicidal insanity and, eventually, suicide.


But this isn't all. Later, in mid 2011, the daemonic monstrosity started up a civil war in a country already engaged in an age-old conflict with its neighbour. A clan whose ancestry reached back to the very first kings of the realm was nearly destroyed, and over the border mass killings were taking place on the orders of a grief-crazed tyrant king. This was the third book in a trilogy that resulted in all lead characters requiring extensive therapy and counselling sessions. One of them still holds an abiding fear of goats as a result of what he went through.


I could go on. I could tell you about the young man whose demented parents utilised the blackets of magics to transform him into an ungodly half-beast to further their designs on world domination, near destroying his sanity. I could tell you about the entire race she forced to wander in eternal deathlessness, haunting their last surviving kinsman as he struggles daily to face his own existence in light of the death of all he knew. I could tell you about the man she forced to endure a gruelling quest, chasing a prophecy he didn't understand ... after she'd killed him off in the first chapter.


Please. What we ask of you is not much. It's nothing you'll have to risk your life for - unlike me, writing this post. There are noises behind me, but I daren't stop typing. I had to tell you. I had to. For the sake of myself and my companions. 


You can save us. You can get us out of this living nightmare, and all you have to do is -


What's that noise?


I thought you said we'd ... what do you mean she ...


OH GODS NO!

*grngwjejfkjghio_jjrjiofwoifoGIWJEBJJIDJJGJKbinee*

GET BACK IN THERE YOU LITTLE WRETCH!

Sorry about that readers. Now, where were we...

- Charley R

70 comments:

  1. Tsk, tsk. Characters... They can be so demanding sometimes. Imagine not wanting to die a horrible death in an effort to permanently damage the emotions of readers everywhere! Imagine, not wanting to be torn limb from limb for the good cause of creating numbed and slack-jawed wretches where once there were thriving bibliophiles! Some characters just don't understand the greater cause. I mean, it's not like they're real or anything. *a shape rises from behind Liam's chair and bludgeons him mercilessly with an al dente noodle*

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    1. I KNOW! Gosh, they're such crybabies. They really need to sort out their priorities - is their physical suffering more important than the amusment of millions? I don't think so.

      *kicks someone off-screen before they can try the frying pan again*

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    2. *grabs the noodle and stabs his adversary with it* Take that, fiend!
      Indeed. Readers live for the anguish of the characters. Mental anguish is my-- *pauses to disarm another opponent skilfully* --favorite form of torture. There's a great example of this in Deeper, a book by Roderick Gordon and Brian Williams. They're both British, and one of my favorite coauthoring teams. The way they toy mercilessly with the main character in that second book is absolutely brilliant. *bashes a third opponent over the head with his own cane* Now, if you'll excuse me-- *laughing maniacally, leaps into a seething mass of furious characters bent on his eventual demise*

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    3. Heck yes! Mental anguish is the most fun - driving characters to madness / near madness is so much fun too!

      I shall chat to you later - I think someone's trying to say something rabble-rousing. Where did I leave my goo gun...

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    4. After all, it's no fun if you just take the characters limbs off; they might still be happy about it! Darned optimists... Down with happily ever after, up with Gooplebury Insane Asylum!

      Ta-ta-urk! *struggles with assailant who is squeezing his windpipe with a large handkerchief*

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    5. I've yet to meet a character of mine who was happy to lose a limb ... you msut have some real optimists in there! xD

      *sprays assailant liberally with the goo gun* FIE, you fiend!

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    6. No, actually, none. I've never actually had success with mental or physical torture, either of them. Well, I've got one guy who's blind from falling out of a tower into brier bushes, and another guy who's in hysterics most of the time, but other than that, no limbs missing, no serious mutilations. I'd better get started, huh? I've got a killer ping pong ball who'd gladly perform some amputations.

      *aforementioned ping pong ball attempts to bite off Liam's nose, but Liam flings it away and kicks a man with a bazooka down a flight of stairs* Ha! You can't defeat-- *punches another man* --me!

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    7. Hehehe, I have the criminally insane one mentioned up there (he's also been mangled inside, has ringworm, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, insomnia and a wide variety of complicated internal damage due to excessive torture ... not much fun for him), I have another who was nearly flogged to death and who nearly lost his nose when his own father tried to slash his face open ... and one whom I am planning to do something nasty to, but can't tell you about because of spoilers xD

      I think we should test your ping pong ball somtime ... that would be fun of a boring afternoon ;)

      *sits on top of her dragon and laughs at the carnage*

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    8. Oh, goodness gracious. No wonder your characters are after your life. In comparison, mine are spoiled.

      Definitely. A role play of sorts would work... maybe. Or you could make up a victim and I sic the ping pong ball on him. A couple brilliant maneuvers later, the guy will be crippled, unconscious and very, very, very mad at us. Unless, of course, he's dead. But what's the fun in that?

      *wades out of the pile of bodies in time to headbutt a vaguely humanoid figure across the room*

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    9. Hehehehe, they love it really. And as long as it amuses the readers, they have to do it *cackles*

      I have some very hardy types in here .... *looks around* Oh. Where did they all go? They must have gone on a coffee break ... *mutters into walkie-talkie* Check the perimeters. I suspect an attempted breakout may be impending...

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    10. Of course. My characters are like that too, but they're all so arrogant and self-centered that they don't mind sounding really stupid. Sometimes.

      Well, once you have a subject ready, bring him to my favorite character's apartment in Miami. There we can use his high-quality real life simulator to kill him methodically, then piece him back together in a slightly less precise way. As long as he doesn't mind hearing from his instep, I think he'll be fine.

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    11. Haha, some of mine are arrogant ... but, unfortunately, most are cowards with it, and don't take much to being maimed. They can run like hell when they want to xD

      Rrrrright ... let's go and pick a victim .... if I can find them before they all run away xD

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    12. I like mine too much, and anyway, none of my characters are evil. That's the big hitch in torture plots; I have yet to make an evil character.

      I'm waiting... You'd be better off to find that character before I run away.

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    13. I shall offer up Wholawski. :} He's evil, sadistic, and deserves a dose of torture now and again. He also hasn't learned to run like Danhial and Nathair over in Spook's head. You'd think he would have by now, given how much he and Danhial converse (when trapped in the same bunker of rotten veggie soup). :}

      *Sorry but I just had to jump into the facinating conversation* Don't worry if you don't have an truly evil character yet. You really don't want one. Right Spook... oh wait she likes her villains... hm... *giggles*

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    14. YES! FEED WHOLAWSKI TO THE KILLER PING-PONG BALL! *cackles madly*

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    15. Okey-dokey, you tell me what the guy's screams sound like, and I'll tell you how the ping pong ball tortures his victims. Capisce?

      And by the way, what I meant before was that I've never made an antagonist. Never. And yet I've written at least three stories that are tentatively finished, and have one that's still going. Go figure.

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    16. No evil peeps? You can share some of mine - I have loads. They're my favourite characters ... probably why my endings are always so weird - because I indulge the nasties so much it's near impossible for the good guys to win xD

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    17. Do you realize how hard it is to write a story without anyone evil? You've got to justify every character, make bad things only happen by mistake. Gosh, it's difficult!

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    18. Hence why you need (and will come to love) villains. The lack of morality is very liberating xD

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    19. Liam, don't worry I spent many years without a real Antagonist in my stories (I've got at least three I might eventually bring up to snuff). Wholawski is my frist real villian... I think I might have over done him...

      Now as to how he screams (When Sharon lets him *snickers*) it starts as a deep grwol as if he's trying to not scream, then works it's way up in octives, just enough so that when he's realized that it's not going to stop, he sound like a little gril... I don't know if that's very realistic or not (since Sharon doens't let him scream in the actual novel when she finally gets her hands on him for some 'siterly' revenge - you don't want to know). Still it's quite satisfiyng to think Wholawski would scream like a little girl. :}

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    20. Wholawski screaming like a girl ... oh, the cackling I'm getting in here from that! xD

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  2. Well, either you or your nameless typist better get a lawyer! Or maybe both! Wish I could say I was betting on you, but after that slightly pathetic and quite heart-wrenching bid for freedom and justice by your nameless typist, I'm feeling my feelings being tugged in the opposite direction. What do you think, mine friends?

    *Numerous unintelligible mutterings*

    Aye, I'd have to agree. Much wiser to make peace with one's own brainchildren afore they murder you in your sleep. Still, having a sadistic character-murderer as a friend does make life that much more interesting.

    Carry on, Charley! :)

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    1. Hehehe, these ones have tried to kill me often enough in my sleep - one of them tried it with ice-skates, which was hilaroius. They've never tried to take over my computer before though, that's original of them. Pity they didn't realise the Plot Bunny Hole works both ways *cackles*

      Besides, I keep tame monsters in my head to deal with them ... and give the nastier ones something to chew on when they get bored. The nasties like me welll enough - it's these pathetic hero types who whine so much!

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  3. Tell your characters to buck up. At least they GET endings, happy or not. Us real people have to just go through daily life with good moments and bad moments and the doing of laundry and going to work at 4-in-the-bloody-morning.

    Speaking of which.... *stomps off grumbling to the Land of Grownup* *kicks character on the way out the door*

    (I haven't had my coffee yet.)

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    1. I know! So whiny ... and who needs happy endings anyway. They're boring *cackles*

      I recommend coffee ... fast o_O

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  4. Ah ehm... *Elo makes sure her charcters are lock up tight as they keep trying to tell Spook's to jump ship and come to brighter waters...

    Defiance - poor poor Shard...

    Legend (Book 3 of Asearion) - Hey! the gaot wasn't even part of the story! (So in a way I kind of feel bad for that since I was tehre)

    Faerie Bound - (We're coming to save you ASH! - Morgan) (We have a sparing session to finish - Mike) (DaaAaad! - Morgan) (Mike ruffles her hair much to her annoyance.)

    Sorrow Song - Tabitha sends her regards.
    The Adventure I never lived to take - which I've actually never read. lol

    *giggles* That was fun to name them all... Next thing I know though my charcters will take over my keyboard... *elo looks at them* huh. Nope apparently there's no intrest at the moment. Guess that's what happen when you're on pause. I guss grumbling to your set through e-mail is enough for them. But the typest... now who could that be I wonder. :}

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    1. Hehehe, nobody gets out of Spook's head, dead or alive! I've got some new locks on, and unless anyone wants to try swimming in a lake full of pirhanas, deadly jellyfish and flying sharks, there is no escape! Mwua ha ha ha ha ha ha!

      Love that you named them all - the last one is something I haven't touched in years, wow ... mebbe I ought to go back for it sometime ... *watches as characters dive under tables* .... or maybe not.

      They tried to take over here, as you can see, but that didn't work out well for them. The typist? Do you REALLY want to know? You might strangle me if you did! xD

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    2. he he. :} I loved that I could name them all, even the one I've never read. *grins*

      As to the typist... I highly doubt I'd stangle you. Unless it's Seph (which I doubt)... But naw, not even for him, because I really do want to know. :}

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    3. Erm ... 'twas Florien. With a little help from Dane. *runs off before bludgeoning can begin*

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    4. Ahhh yes I suspected Dane, and Florien too eh? Yes, I don't put such plotting past them.

      *Throws down a lifeline from her helicopter* Catch!

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    5. Yep. They get on ... worryingly well xP

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    6. They are both secondaries to frineds who get pummled menatally and physicall by you - of course they get on worringly well. They are true friends to your tortured Protagonists. :}

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    7. Oh come on, Rin gets off infinitely better than Shard does .... besides, Florien can't work a keyboard on his own. He did all the soppy heart-wrenching wordses though xD

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    8. Okay true - but I suspect Florien can extrapolate from what he goes through with Rin to what dane goes through with Shard, and that'll put him on board imeediately...

      And it doens't surprise me that Florian probably dictated the words to Dane for typing. :}

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    9. Hehehe, true. Florien suggested they set up a "We Survived Being the Hero's Best Friends" society ... then he nearly ground his face into a wall while Dane laughed at him xD

      Funnily enough, it didn't surprise me either ... hence why both of them are currently in a wee bit of trouble in my head. Cleaning out Fluffy for a month, and Sephirax has been given the Right to Minor Pestering and Small Discomforts for two weeks *cackles*

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    10. (The denziens of Elo's head would like to offer up there condolances to Dane and Florian and give them Purple Hearts for bravery to address the cause.)

      there's still the - We survived - collaboration out Videra and Cumnor friends were going to start. Not that they don't end up in the pub in our e-mails often enough. :}

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    11. (Dane and Florien would like to say they would be honoured ... but they are currently unavailable, as they are somewhat preoccupied with a tall furry individual with caffiene withdrawal symptoms) *cackles*

      True that .... perhaps we should get around to that eventually. If they're not too drunk from conversing in our email convos already xD

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    12. Strangely Manuel's only eaten an orange and drunk one beer so far. Has Florien been sneaking drinks?

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    13. *shifty eyes* I would not put it past the little blighter...

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  5. NO WAY. xD

    I died of laughter :]

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    1. Have you read the comments too? They are nearly as hilarious. the things that happen when authors converse... :}

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    2. Hehehehe, glad you liked it! *cackles madly*

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  6. Apparently your characters don't realize, Charley, that a book isn't good unless there's some kind of conflict in it. And that sometimes, even characters have to lead hard lives. Gosh. You'd think they'd have learned by now. Maybe you should sit down and have a little talk with them about behaving a little bit better... xD

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    1. Haha, they don't mind "conflict" .... they do mind the amount of pain I put them through. I've been told a couple of times I"m a little extreme on the evil factor in my stories. It's also the fact that a lot of them are very strong personalities who aren't used to being kicked around quite so viciously in their backstories *cackles*

      Besides, fighting with them in my head is good training for the story itself ;)

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    2. Yeah, conflict was probably a bad word choice. ;) But still!

      Not only that, but it's SO much fun! I once did an interview with my characters, and if I ever needed proof that characters have minds of their own, that was it. It totally turned them three-dimensional! Hehe, plus I had fun with all the fighting. xD Priceless.

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    3. Are you kidding? This may sound mental, but I swear my characters are pretty much people living in my head sometimes! They certainly talk to Cathryn Leighs a lot via email discussions, and heck knows i have them commenting in my head while I'm writing, lol!

      Interviews are really good fun ... until one of them had the bright idea to use it as an opportunity to kill you xD

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    4. OMG so true - Ash started it all. Then my Phoenixes decided to say hi to the Warrior Formenly known as Gwythryn and it's just snowballed to there.

      They are utterly their own entities and when they are talking with Charely's character my character's suddenly reveal things I had no idea about - but apparently they did. the Biznitches! *grins*

      Thankfully I'm a benvaolent Goddess for the most part, hence why they ivite Charley's characters over for tea and beer now and again. :}

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    5. Hehe, that's hilarious! And probably pretty good for character development, too. You guys might be on to something; maybe I should try it sometime... ;)

      Oh, and I have absolutely no right to judge you, Charley. ;) We writers are rumored to be a little crazy as a general rule; and crazy we are! I'm more than a little mental myself, so hey. If you've got people living in your head, who am I to judge? xD

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    6. You should it's tons of fun. And Charley and I have taken new characters and put them into discusion with each other and discovered whole plot lines being revealed to us along with personalities.

      There has also been some 'interesting' chemistry between our characters as well. Some we shall never let cross paths again, others will sneak out to see the other. It's crazy fun! :]

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    7. *grabs the back of Sephy's neck before he tries to escape into ELo's head to attack Rachael*

      Yep ... some love each other, some are wary of each other, and yet more of them want to tear each other to bits. It's hilarious xD

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    8. Those characters, boy. Time and time again they defy all attempts to control them! Which can be annoying, but often it's just a ton of fun. :)

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    9. It is, really. Especially when you know you have the power to do awful things to them, and there's nothing they can do about it. The aforementioned Sephy up there was in my NaNoWriMo this year .... I kinda ruined his image as everyone's worst nightmare by turning his hair pink for a chapter. Because I was bored xD

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    10. Hehe...by the sounds of it, NaNo is the perfect time to add things to your novel "just because". xD Love the randomness of it all! And pink hair...haha, that's just fantastic!

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    11. Oh yes, it was hilarious. Not in the least for me, because his hair is usually black ... camouflage failed, and I spent so much time laughing at the idea of him trying to be scary with fuzzy candyfloss on his head that I just about asphyxiated. But what else is NaNo for but doing stupid things for the sake of your word count? :P

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    12. Stowie (my intellegent Feline with telepathic speach that not everyone can hear) throughly enjoyed being the character to fill the dare of knowing he was in a book and trying to convince others that they were too... he did not enjoy when I had him lick a Balck-eyed Susan pattern into his hair to complete another dare. :}

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    13. I can imagine, Charley! No matter how much you try to camouflage yourself, I doubt a bright splash of pink is going to be very inconspicuous. xD

      And oooh...and intelligent feline with telepathic speech?! It kind of reminds me of the werecats in the Inheritance Cycle, and I LOVED the werecats! Cathryn, that's awesome. :) (Also, those dares sound hilarious. Love it!)

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    14. Ah, the werecats ... Stowie is basically just like them, but with teleportation powers and an awesome attitude, hee hee!

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    15. (At this point Stowie must saunter on stage. Of course, like any good feline, he makes it look like there's no particular reason for it as he finds a spot to start cleaning behind his ears. ~taking my name in vain again Mz. Robson?~ he speaks, his voice dripping with sarcasm, eyes twinkling with amusememnt.)

      Yes - Stowaway, my aweseom sarcastic cat *owe!* I mean feline (he's quite picky about that).

      These werecats of which you speak? Are they from the fourth book, or am I just not remembering them? :}

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    16. *hides up a tree to escape Stowie's wrath*

      Erm ... they're mostly in book four, it has to be said, but I think they make minor appearances in book three (mostly just Solembum). They're wicked.

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    17. (Stowie looks up at Charely with his feline eyes ~Do you like it up there?~)

      *Psst* He's teasing you. You're one of his favorite people. *giggles*

      And how could I have forgotten about Solembum... you mean there are more of his like that appear in the fourth book... time to find the paper back of INheretance then. *grins*

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    18. Why yes, it is rather comfortable, and the view's great! xD

      Heehee, oh Inheritance is fab on the werecat front, it really is.

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    19. Ooh, teleportation! Awesome!

      Yeah, the werecats make their big entrance in book four. They crop up every now and then, even as far back as the first book with Solembum, but their biggest role is in the last book.

      What, Charley, you don't like the werecats? O.o I think they're kinda cool... ;)

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    20. (~So indeed it is~ Stowie appears on the branch near Charley ~And hello Taylor please to meet you~)

      Taylor, Scratch behind his ears he likes that, but don't mind the sarcasm. He's always sarcastic even when sincere *eyeroll*

      though I wonder... I wrote Stowie's first appearence before Erragon was published, but I wonder if Solembum wasn't an influence on Stowie's emerging personality.

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    21. Taylor, don't be daft, I LOVE the werecats! So frakking funny xD

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    22. Hello, Stowie, it's nice to meet you - I've never met a telepathic feline before! *scratches tentatively behind his ears*

      I KNOW, Charley, they're hilarious. Gosh, I love them. xD

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    23. (~Sounds like I have competition~ Stowie states as he starts rumbling with purring. It should be noted that Stowie is about the size of a small tiger and Tabby colored.)

      *grins* Welcome to the world of conversations with other's characters Taylor. *giggles*

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    24. Ooh, awesome! I do love tigers - and I quite like Stowie already. ;) I'm also very excited to make my entrance into the world of character conversations...I'll have to see if Elli or Finn wants to join me sometime! ;)

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  7. I'm lucky. With the possible exception of Alex, mine tend to shut up once I've killed them, and so I don't have all that many hanging around any more. In fact, I think Alex is pretty much the only one who ever says anything any way. That's probably because I understand and know him as a person more than I know the others (for obvious reasons if you know me!). But he's a grumpy git inside my brain, so I tend to ignore him a lot.

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    1. Can't say I don't blame Alex for being grumpy... so why can't you see if Jennie wil keep him company up there? I bet he'd be happier. :}

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    2. @Miriam - Grumpy git ... can you blame him? LOL! I reckon most characters would be real sourpusses if they were put through Alex's situation! At least most of mine have the benefit of a short lifespan, and no curses, and less general weirdness to contend with :P

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