Thursday 16 August 2012

In Which My Life Explodes

Eat your heart out, Loki Laufeyson. Your mind is a box of cats? In my mind, those cats have been dipped in jalapeno sauce, doused in gamma rays, set on fire and unleashed in a glass menagerie. All with the approval of the RSPCA, of course.

At present, I am:

1 - Compiling the notes for a minimum 6,000 word essay, with no contact from the teacher who is supposed to be helping with my bibliography and essay layout. 

STOP MOCKING ME WITH YOUR OVER-COMPLICATED ACADEMIC TERMINOLOGY, YAHOO! ANSWERS!!!




2 - Editing the eighth draft of my Personal Statement - trying to condense every English Literature-related achievement and interest into 47 lines, as well as reasons why I'm a fascinating person and should be chosen over thousands of others. I've even gotten to the stage of agonising over changing commas into semi-colons.

"ATTENDEE AT" . . . "ATTENDEE OF" . . . DICTIONARY! WHY WON'T YOU GIVE ME A STRAIGHT ANSWER!?


3 - Attempting to learn all manner of brain-numbing theory for the first part of the exam that will make or break my attempt to earn my driving license. Thus far, according to a practice test, I'm about as far from the 80-90% pass grade as Bruce Forsight is from working out that he's not funny any more.

CARAVANS!? NOBODY MENTIONED QUESTIONS ABOUT CARAVANS!!!


4 - After enduring all the rain, bogs and demonic wildlife that Dartmoor could throw at me, I am now trying desperately to organise my scattered and oft-distracted group into doing the research for the final phase of our trial - the project. Unfortunately, my computer refuses to load the photos they need to do their research around as the files are too large, and my email server seems to have an aversion to zip files. And it is also a massive hypochondriac.

COOKIES!? I'VE ALREAD UPDATED YOU A MILLION TIMES, COMPUTER, AND NOW YOU WANT COOKIES!? WILL NOTHING APPEASE YOU?



. . .

Oh, and did I mention the fact that I'm currently watching my whole world disappear into cardboard boxes, to be shipped across the English Channel into a country where I am utterly incapable of any communication beyond using my nationality as an excuse for my pathetic language skills, and asking where the toilet is?

I CAN'T EVEN SPELL THE WORDS, LET ALONE PRONOUNCE THEM WITHOUT SOUND LIKE A DRUNKEN COCKER SPANIEL OUT ON THE LASH ON FRIDAY NIGHT!!!

.
.
.

But other than that, I'm perfectly fine. Honest. No drama here, oh no no, nothing to see in the slightest.

No rest for the wicked, eh? Still, hopefully if I try and take them one by one, they'll be fooled by this tinfoil helmet and stick sword, and won't realise that this Productive Knight is nothing more than a Procrastinator Who Really Has To Act Now Or Face Certain Doom.

Let's hope my battlecry, at least, is convincing.

As for you, my dearies, I'm afraid my contact with you will be shorter than usual. Once the move is over and I settle back into a vague routine at school, I daresay my posts stand a much higher chance of returning to their usual feeble attempts at coherency. However, with the uncertainty regarding our location / doings / access to internet, you may have to do without me for a while. 

Unless I somehow manage to persuade Moriarty to help me steal the keys to the TARDIS again. Though that may not be such a good idea after what happened last time we went on a joyride in that thing. Apparently there's still a large hole in the ceiling in Caer Paravel. Sorry, Aslan. We'll pick up that tab eventually.

Oh, and I'm also getting the results of my AS exams today. You know, the ones where I went all Sean-Bean-impersonator and wailed about the advancing armies of doom that had come to claim my brain.

Yeah. They come out today. No idea when, but they're coming.

. . . Can someone give me a hug? Please?

~ Charley R

16 comments:

  1. Hugs! (And seeing as hugs aren't exactly my forte... when I do give them they're for a good cause. :P )

    Oh, and it's Cair Paravel, not Caer. Sorry, British literature american fanatic here. :)

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    1. Whoops . . . I am a bad fan, a bad fan indeed. Thank you anyway ;)

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  2. "LIKE A DRUNKEN COCKER SPANIEL OUT ON THE LASH ON FRIDAY NIGHT"

    - I nearly fell out of my chair laughing... okay being at work I had to stiffle my LOL, which at hoe would equate to the former... *Ahem* rachel woul dalso like permission to use that and thinks that same phrase ought to be applied to Rembrant *faceplam* Why do I listen to these people? *giggles*

    OH and From me and all of my lovely resonable female cohorts (cohabitors?)...

    *HUGGLES DELUX* :}

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    1. Aww, thank you!
      And Rachael, feel free. It does fit him rather well xD

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  3. You're okay, Charley; Edmund thought that hole was from catapults when he came back for the Caspian incident (the Telamarine Times has already dubbed that whole thing "Caspiangate"). But you're right; don't leave the house again, or you might pop the stars out of their heavenly housings. Oh, wait... that already happened. *sob* Narnia is gone! Further up and further in! ...I need a hug too. Let's stand at a distance and pretend.

    Many sympathies for your plight. Though who could complain with all the GIFs you have at your disposal?

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    1. Hehehe, many GIFs for many feels, my friend. Thank you for the comiserations - and for the giggles your comment created :)

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    2. Indeed, though the fact that I don't need GIFs to handle my many "feels" is a little bit strange. You're quite welcome. When one evokes The Last Battle, that is when I feel closest to actually wanting to hug someone.

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    3. Hehe, no fear - I'm just one of those people who finds GIFs fascinating and hilarious. Because I'm easily entertained. Different people, different quirks :)

      Ah, that book destroyed me, I tell you. I felt like my whole childhood had been a lie. ASLAN! WHY DID YOU NOT EXPLAIN THIS SOONER!?

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    4. Indeed. I like words better, personally. GIFs are very distracting.

      That last chapter always does it for me. Every time. That's what got me started on brilliantly bittersweet endings. I always think it's a little abrupt to just have every character killed at the same time, but it's too lovely to argue.

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    5. A picture's worth a thousand words? Normally I'm a words person, but the expressions in the GIFs were just too good at mirroring my state at the time . . . hey ho :P

      You, sir, speak the truth. I salute you.

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    6. The only reason a picture is worth a thousand words is that they distract you from the thousand more worthwhile words you could be reading while your eyes keep straying back to that picture.

      I return your gesture, because you share my sentiments. Speaking of endings, I just finished Twenty Years After and loved the ending.

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    7. I didn't think of it that way! Do you mind if I borrow the sentiment and mangle it slightly for this year's NaNo? I just realised how similar you are to one of the characters in your hatred of pictures in places you don't think they should be . . . xD

      Oh yes, I LOVE that ending. I warn you, the next books get pretty slow. Endeavour, though. The Man in the Iron Mask's ending will destroy you. I guarantee.

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    8. I don't hate pictures. I just resent their replacement of good, solid words. And if any of your characters remotely resemble me, I will claim royalties.

      I'll do my best. And I'm looking forward to being destroyed. I haven't been properly destroyed since I read the Bartimaeus Trilogy for the first time.

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  4. I'll miss you!! And here's a hug (it's probably awkward, sorry, because I am an awkward hugger). It's tough seeing cardboard boxes take over your world. At least, when we move I can still speak the language (tho, sometimes I have to wonder...) I reckon your battle cry will sound pretty convincing. ;)
    Man, computers! Never satisfied, eh? Wants a cookie, now doesn't want a cookie...

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    1. Indeed. Thank you for the hugs, awkward or no. They are appreciated :)

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  5. *TACKLE HUG*
    Rest assured... I've never met anyone who failed their driving theory test. You might be the first, but I doubt it.

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